An update

Wow.  How do 2 months pass so quickly?  I'll tell you how.  School.  I'm in school full-time and I absolutely love it.   It's been a loooonnnnggg time since I have felt such happiness and pure joy in something I am doing outside of my children.   I didn't realize just how unhappy I was in my job until I started school.  I feel like I'm home when I go there.  My stress disappears.   I smile more now than I have in a long time.   I'm doing something for me.  I'm doing something for my girls.  I am working to rebuild our lives and make things better for us.   With teaching, there was always a ceiling cap in how much I made.  No matter how hard I worked or how many hours I worked, I was never going to make more money.  The value in all that hard work was intrinsic.  I saw the value in what I did when my students would learn something new.  I'm not knocking that. It's an amazing thing when you realize you have changed a child's life in what you've taught them.  It's just with cosmetology I have a chance to really make OUR lives better.

In a discussion with Ali tonight, we talked about how nice it would be to not just make a ton of money but that it would be nice to not worry so much about surviving things financially.  I'm looking forward to finally being able to give my girls not only what they need but a lot of what they want too.

We have been super busy.  Brigid, Caroline, and Megan are all in the advanced program this year.  Not too shabby considering I am a single parent and do this by myself.  Abigail is like the turtle in a race.  Slow and steady wins the race.  I finally see the lightbulb coming on with her and I am impressed with how hard she is working to learn.  The trio are training for their 1st 5k in December through Girls on the Run.   Abigail and Caroline are in choir club.  Caroline and Brigid start band on Monday.  Flutes for both of them!!!

Tuesday I am taking Caroline to the Weiskopf Center to finally be tested for Asperger's Syndrome.   After years of hearing this in relation to  her, it will be nice to get an answer one way or another.

Brigid is having lots of Chiari headaches again.  I hate Chiaris.  I mean I fucking hate them.  She is on an exercise restriction again and has an MRI scheduled at the end of October and an appointment with her neurosurgeon in November.   Some prayers would be nice here.

Megan was asked to join the Beta Club.  You need a 3.5 or above.  I am so proud of her.  She is, and has always been, a smart cookie.   She has just recently started to babysit and make some of her own money.  Last Saturday I took her and 2 friends to the mall where they got to walk around by themselves and shop.  She loved the freedom of spending her own money and getting to hang with her friends.  I remember being in middle school and LOVING getting to go to the mall with my friends.  

One of the perks of being in cosmetology school is getting to change my hair all the time.  Her are a few of my hair colors I have had since June:

This was the first color.  I loved having the pink hair.

I loved having pink hair so much that I went all over pink.

Then I shaved most of my hair and colored it brown with pink highlights.

Now my hair is dark brown with red/cranberry highlights.  I freakin' love it.  I finally feel like I am comfortable in my own skin with my own unique look.  It's taken 44 years to get to that point.

One of the things I was most worried about was the fact that I am 44 and I'm in school with a majority of 18-20 year olds.  I kept thinking there was no way I'd have anything in common with woman young enough to be my daughters.  On the 2nd day of school I called Ali and told her I didn't think I could handle being around people who are still teenagers.  You know what?   I don't feel out of place at all.  I don't know if it's the fact that we are all on an even playing field in the fact that we are learning together, or if it's the fact that I just really love learning what we are doing, but these amazing young women have accepted me and encouraged me in everything I do.   I love these young ladies and respect them for how dedicated they are to learning.

Can you tell I'm feeling Blessed??   I can tell you that is one thing I haven't lost by switching careers.  My Faith is as strong as ever.   I love God.  Plain and simple.  In everything that happens in my life, the loss of my parents and sister, the loss of my marriage, my depressions, my financial issues (man that sounds awful), my Faith is continually renewed.  

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I love this verse from the Bible.   God doesn't promise that you won't ever have bad things happen to you, he promises that he will carry you and give you Grace to survive all that happens to you.

Let me tell you.  I am full of Grace.

So that's my entry back in to blogging.  Oh by the way, I finally hit over 30,000 hits on my blog.   Compared to some that isn't a lot.  For me I feel like it's an accomplishment.  My words are getting noticed. For a writer that is the greatest compliment.

Thanks for taking part in my life. 

Shop my AVON store!

Shop my AVON store!: Here's a sneak peak at some of the latest products available at Avon. Be sure to click

Bet you didn't know I'm selling Avon!   Avon is more than just makeup.  We have a whole line of clothing and accessories.  We carry clothing and shoes for children.  There are all sorts of holiday decorations too!  And if you order online through my Avon page there is free shipping on all orders over $30!!!

Shake It Out

I'm not one of those people who have a soundtrack to my life.  I know there are  people who find meaning in  songs.  Usually I just like how the song sounds.   This song really hit me last night.  I have a friend who tagged me with this song awhile back.  Good call!  Check out the video by Florence + The Machine.   Love this!  

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

"And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"

Halt! Who goes there???

Today has been my day to organize. The girls went with their Dad this morning for the weekend. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm thankful to be able to have some quiet time where I get to do what I want and don't have to take care of anyone. This is the first time Megan has gone with her Dad since June. I was surprised she went today and I'm praying that it goes the way Megan is hoping.

Shortly after the girls left I started organizing a few more areas that I haven't gotten to this summer: the pantry, laundry room, and kitchen. I now have sparkly cabinets! I hauled 3 bags to the dumpster and have one HUGE bag to go to Goodwill. The worst part was the Tupperware. My friend Catherine fussed at me for using the word. Really it was storage containers. My bad.

What a mess. It took up 3 cabinets in my micro-kitchen. Now it's in just one. After I got started I just couldn't seem to stop. It was one drawer after another. Laundry got washed. The bathrooms got reorganized. It's like I'm possessed. I even vacuumed the back of my dryer in an homage to my friend Cassie. I vacuumed the couches. I now have the secretary in the hall, my main closet in my bedroom, the top of the trio's closet, the bottom drawer of my file cabinet,and the hallway upstairs to organize and then I am done. Finished. Just in time for school to start for all of us.

My house has mirrored the way my brain has been for the last year. Cluttered and unorganized. (Refer back to the tupperware storage container pic) It's like I packed in stuff in my house and my brain so as not to deal with anything. When I tackle one project it necessitates the tackling of another project. I'm getting to the corners of everything. I had to deal with my sister's paperwork. Of course that brought up memories that I didn't want to have to relive. But I did. And I survived. I went through all sorts of paperwork from my foreclosure and before my bankruptcy. Man it was hard to look at that and see what a failure I've been in so many things. Now I've cleared out the paperwork the way I've cleared out my thinking.

One thing I've noticed about myself here lately, as I was organizing, is that for all the information I put out here that I share with everyone, I'm really a very guarded person with my personal life. I had a nice cup of tea with a friend who talked about her dating life. I was envious in that she has such a glamorous life and goes on lots of dates.  I can't picture myself sharing anything with another person. I've done a great job in putting a wall up when it comes to dating. If I keep that wall closely guarded then I won't get hurt.

And I won't need help from anyone.

 I'm not talking financial help (because it would be nice to have someone else handle the damn bills). I'm talking any kind of help in what I do day to day. I've noticed that I've done a lot to help my friends this summer. I've been all over this town cleaning houses, doing yard work, running errands for others. Yet I don't ask for anyone to do that here. I don't want to become dependent of any kind of help. Even when Brigid had her Chiari surgery I had a hard time accepting the help.

In my head, I've got this. I can handle it.

 My neighbor next door is a nice enough guy. He is constantly trying to help me carry things to the dumpster or to my front door. I don't want the help. He has some social issues that I don't want to deal with or have my daughters around. Yet when he was asking me out, all I could think was "Shit. I don't want anyone doing anything for me." Because let's face it. If I get too close to someone, really close, they will either disappoint me or die.

Kinda morbid isn't it??

That's what happens when you loose your parents and sister. I don't EVER want to go back to the point that I am dependent on someone else. EVER. That may explain why it's been over 4 years since I've even attempted to get close to someone. It ain't easy guarding the damn wall but at least I know it's up, it's there, and it's not getting penetrated easily.

So where does this leave me? I'm not sure. I'm working hard to put the girls and I in a position where the financial things won't be an issue. I'm excited because I know that after I'm done with school, I can do whatever I want, work as hard as I can, and build a better life for us. I have a goal for the financial part of my life. It's also a goal for the creative part of my life. I know what I want to do with the Mom part of my life.

I just don't have any idea what to do with the Kristina part of my life.

Just Put One Foot in Front of the Other...

Man we've been busy.  I'm trying to get all sorts of things done before we start school in August.  So far we've been to the eye doctor.   Abigail got new glasses!!  She is adorable in them.  Then we went to the dentist.  3 kids = no cavities.  Abigail and Megan have NEVER had cavities.  Brigid had a very small one a couple of years ago.  Caroline is on her second cavity.  Not bad for a single Mom of 4.   We, well I, have been trying to get this house good and organized.   It's going pretty well with only a few items left to organize.        We've been swimming, visiting friends, enjoying life.  


The trio went with their Dad for another vacation week.  Megan refused to go.  She wanted to stay with me for a week and not visit with her Dad.  She has been refusing to go with him for most of the summer.  The upside to that is that she and I are having a lot of good, quality bonding time together.  The downside is that I don't get any time to myself.  At all.  Ever.  Brigid came back to us earlier than expected.  She got sick and the ex, rather than call me, didn't know what to do she he took her to the ER.  Ugh.   Long story short she just had a virus but she refused to go back home with him so I brought Brigid back with me.  This 2 kid thing has been a piece of cake.  Of course the ex didn't last the entire week with the other two either.  They were brought back early.  I'm pretty sure he could NOT manage the day to day life with these girls ever.   Some days it is a daunting task just to survive.  Trying to balance work, homework, baths, dinner, errand running bath time, friends, bills, etc. can be a logistical nightmare.  Yet I wouldn't trade it for everything.  


Which leads me to today's topic.   I'm hoping that a friend reads this and takes the advice to heart.  I'm not sitting in judgement here.  I'm trying to offer advice from someone who has been there.   This friend has just been through a rather nasty divorce.  (Hmmm sounds familiar)  She is struggling.  She has gotten lots of good sound advice from all of our mutual friends.  It's not being followed.   We all see the struggles.  We all hurt for her.  We are hoping that someone out there gets through to her so that she can get the help she needs.  If I hadn't gotten the help I needed to treat my depression I know I wouldn't be here today.  One of my favorite phrases that is hanging up in my kitchen and was given to me from my Dr.  is this:   "When I see how far you have come to get to where you are, I know you are a walking miracle."   It's taken a lot of work to get here.   The work I'm talking about has to come from inside.  You have to realize you have a problem then reach out to anyone, everyone, to get  help.  You will never get  better sitting in a puddle of denial about everything.   I'VE BEEN THERE.   All of our friends are sitting on the outside watching this beautiful soul disappear.  And we have fear that her children are getting lost because of it all.   Her actions are becoming more erratic.  It's hard to watch.  I've offered help.  I still offer help.   My offer does come unconditionally.  It really does.  Well mostly it does.  You have to want the help.  You have to use the help to get better.  Not to watch your kiddos so you can sleep more and hide from the world.   Your children, and you, will be better off if you get help NOW.   It's hard to take the first step.  I tried really hard for 2 years to not get help even when everyone around me was telling me too.   I am so glad I finally took that first step.   


So when you are ready, please call me.  You know my number.  You know where I live.  I am here for you.

Bike Riding and stuff

So I've taken up a new hobby.  Bike riding.  I haven't ridden a bike since I was 18.   Yesterday my fat ass got up on a bike and I actually rode with the girls to the library and back.  That's about a mile one way.  That's huge for all of us.   There were definitely tears involved from Abigail and Caroline about it being too far.  Megan griped at everyone there and back.  Brigid was the only one who pretty much remained calm during the ride.  Well and me of course.  What a frickin' spectacle we made of ourselves.  We already attract a lot of attention.  Four daughters, 3 of whom are triplets, riding bikes down the street.  My big fat butt on a bike.   Then add the crying and screaming and people were actually slowing down to stare at us.  Wee. Ali said she pictured us in a scene from The Sound of Music.  All cheerful and everything.


My goal is to try and work up to riding my bike back and forth to school.  That depends on whether I can get the trio ready in time to catch the bus in the morning.  If I can I should be able to make it to school by 9 a.m. 

After dinner the girls and I got back on our bikes and rode to a park nearby.  I ended up meeting a 76 year old woman named Delores (cue the Jerry Seinfeld reference) who was there with her granddaughter.   She was 10.  My girls played and I chatted.  I found out Delores had just had her second knee replacement surgery, has two children, 3 grandchildren, and 1 great-grandchild.  I enjoyed chatting with her.  Mainly because I just miss my Mom.  My Mom would be turning 75 next month.  Really I just wanted Delores to hug me.  I know, I know.  I don't like hugs but I would have liked a hug from someone who reminded me of my Mom.  I probably would have cried if she did hug me.  So instead we rode our bikes home.

Today was minor house repair day today.  I washed walls and spackled holes.  The girls helped flood wash the hallway.  We went to yoga and I ran errands.  I should have tried out yoga today but the idea of having an hour of quiet time was actually more appealing.  I ended up at Walgreen's where I bought posters and poster markers.  We are picking up my friends tomorrow from the airport and I get to meet their two new children from  Russia!  The girls wanted to do posters and balloons.  I hope I don't cry too badly.  Ali is coming with tomorrow to help with transportation.  She is worried I will scare the kids.  Just imagine being 2 and 3, landing in a foreign country where nobody speaks your language, walking down the airport corridor to be met by a large, crying woman with pink and white hair.  Oh boy.

Along with the transportation tomorrow I am also going to their house to tidy up before they get home.  I also volunteered to help a friend with yard work on Friday because her husband is having surgery this week. I'm actually enjoying helping friends out. I didn't realize how much I was neglecting while working that job I had.   I didn't realize how much stress I was under until I've gotten two months out from that place.  I feel badly that my children got neglected.  I feel badly that my friends got neglected.   While I'm not having Sound of Music days I am definitely having long stretches of stress-free time.

We also stopped this evening to take one fabulous picture.  Brigid in front of St. Brigid's Catholic Church.  Nothing like sharing a name with a saint. Brigid is MY hero.

Now off to bed.  Busy day tomorrow!!