I'm sitting here at Starbuck's trying to write my sister's obituary. I just can't seem to do it. I don't know what words to put down to explain her life. What do I write that would be a fitting tribute to her life? And today I am feeling very selfish. I dropped the girls off at school and am waiting to see the priest about the service for Lisa. But really do I deserve to be this sad? All the teachers at the girls' school have been hugging me and asking me what they can do for me. Again I ask: do I deserve to be this sad? I didn't have any contact with Lisa. MY CHOICE. Not hers. She tried and tried to get back into our lives. Since I stopped communicating with her do I really deserve all the sadness and prayers that everyone is giving? It seems somewhat hypocritical. I didn't speak to her so should I be treated like anyone else who lost a sister? Am I a martyr? Poor pitiful me. I lost my sister. I feel like I lost my sister a long time ago.
And I keep saying this:
I miss my sister.
The one I knew who loved my children. Who loved her nieces and nephews. Who had such a wicked sense of humor. The one who loved to cuss like a sailor. The one who could make me laugh (and cry) like no one else. Everything she did during the almost two years she lived with us. Taking what little money she made at McDonald's and Papa Murphy's pizza and spending it ALL on my girls. She would come home with some sort of little trinket for each one of the girls. She knew Brigid loved Dollies so she would comb the Goodwill stores for them. She looked everywhere for CareBears for Caroline. Knew that Abigail loved piggies and Ariel. And would talk endlessly with Megan about being a good big sister and about riding horses. She loved Evan and Ana and it hurt her soul that she couldn't see them. Se loved my brother. She really did. And it hurt beyond all meaning that she had no contact with him. And she would talk about Mom and Dad. And how low she felt at all she had done to them. I think people often thought she had no feelings or regret about the actions she had taken. They thought she had no guilt and was unfeeling about stealing my father's medicine when he was dying. About pawning my parents jewelry to buy drugs. But I would sit with her until the morning as she cried. She did feel. She did care. And it hurt her deeply. So I imagine when she was sitting in her apartment on Sunday and holding those pill bottles in her hand that she was thinking of all she had done. She was thinking the only way to finally feel nothing was to die. And that makes me truly sad. Because she couldn't or didn't see there was more good to her then she knew. That in her last moments here on Earth she thought she was a failure.
And now I think I may have just written her obituary.
6 comments:
Hey Kristina, I'm not sure what to say, but I just wanted you to know that there are a lot of people sending you good vibes right now. I can't imagine what you're going through, but know that you're not alone. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I wrote on your last post, but I wanted to say more. You DO deserve to be sad, to have people offer you their prayers and love. My father is an alcoholic. He stopped drinking when I was 10 and was sober for 11 years. He started again 4 years ago and has been in a downward spiral since then. Right after Christmas, he disappeared, and no one knows where he is. People in my family have received phone calls here and there, but the last one was on February 7th. On one hand, I feel sad and worried everyday. Where is he? Did he finally do it? He's deeply depressed. But on the other hand, like you said, I feel like I lost my dad a long time ago. The man I love hasn't been around for quite sometime. How do you grieve for someone in these situations?
Sorry this is so long...I don't know exactly how you feel of course, I can just really relate to some of the things you have said. You are in my thoughts, Kristina.
Dear Kristina
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope that you can live your life to the fullest and love your daughters like crazy. And take comfort in knowing there are many of us praying for you today.
Your sister is still your sister, despite any wrong doings in her life. You deserve to feel sad. She was, and still is, your sister. Your flesh and blood.
She, like all others, felt pain and sadness when thinking of their past regrets and misdeeds.
Think fondly of your happy memories of your sister, even if the most recent were few and far between. You started out as pure and good children, siblings with an unbreakable bond. Your children should grow to know the beautiful Aunt Lisa that they loved and lost, and will forever be looking over them.
Dear Kristina,
I think you really do deserve the prayers and love of others, and you definitely deserve to feel sad and to miss your sister. Just because you broke contact doesn't mean that you didn't love her deeply. As you so beautifully said, you understood her more than most people did. It's heartbreaking to lose a family member, no matter how close you were at the time of their death. I am sincerely sorry for your loss and my prayers go to you and your family.
I can't imagine what you're going through, and I don't know what to say.
But I did want to let you know that I read this and that people care.
Just keep on keepin' on... even though it may be the hardest thing in the world right now.
<3
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