My Life in a Nut Shell

3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Frustration and Sadness

All rolled into one.  Here's the thing.  I want the girls to see their Dad.  I really do.  I'm not blowing smoke up anyone's ass about it.  My girls need their Dad.  I, on the other hand, do not need him.  I've said it before and I'll say it again (I might add that I've said this to him as well):

I can row this boat by myself.  I'm already doing it.  The girls and I have made a life without him.  We function day in and day out without him.  We go to work, school, eat, sleep, and play all on our own.  It's nice to get the every other weekend break for myself to go run errands, catch up on housework, etc.  But I can totally do all that with the girls every single day.   

The visitation time is for the girls.  When he continuously shows up ove an hour late each and everytime it's his visitation then I get frustrated.  We sit and wait.  THE GIRLS sit and wait.

 Today I had enough.  I'm not sitting here on pins and needles wondering when he is coming!!!  By 10:15 we were showered, out the door, and actually in my car driving out of the apartment complex to go run errands.  I have things to do.  I can't sit and wait.  I'm sure he doesn't think I have a life but really I do.  He pulls up next to me and gets out.  I get out. 

My response?  "Dude you are over an hour late.  Your pick up time is 9:00 a.m.  I have things to do and I can't sit and wait for you.  You don't hardly see the girls and when it's your time you come late and drop them off early!"

 I'm done.  I told him he has until 9:30 a.m.  Pick them up on time or don't come at all because in two weeks we will be gone by 9:30 a.m.  I don't feel I'm being unreasonable!  Pick them up on time and bring them back on time.  CALL if you are going to be late!!!  Email me, something! 

I handed him the info about Sunday school.  I had him directions, times etc.  Anyone want to take a bet as to whether he actually takes them?

Now here's where the sadness comes in.  After they leave I get back in my car to go run the errands I needed to run.  Target, Whole Foods, Kroger.  As I'm  heading into Kroger I walk passed Brigid's Godparents.   I say hi.  We awkwardly talk.  Brigid's Godfather is pleasant.  Brigid's Godmother?  She chats but I can tell she doesn't want to talk.  The reason?  I have a big mouth.  Being a single Mom to 4 children necessitates having a big mouth.  I need to be able to stand up for myself and take care of my girls.  I'm not afraid to ask for what I want or need for the girls.  It's a gift.  And a curse.  When the ex and I separated I was not nice to Brigid's Godmother.  She had been friends (ex-girlfriend actually) of my ex.  They had a history together.  I did not feel she was supportive of me and my decision to leave my ex.  So I opened my big mouth.   I typed a nasty email and actually hit SEND.

And here we are.

 No matter what I say to her to apologize it won't ever be enough.  I don't think she understands why I left my ex.  I don't think she understands that I've tried to include my ex in the girls' lives.  I don't think she understands.  So I imagine she dislikes me immensely.  Can't say I blame her to some extent.  But I feel sadness.  I feel sadness because they said they don't see the girls much.  They are always welcome to take the girls during my time.   I feel sadness that I lost a friend.  Divorce sucks.  It brings out the worst emotions.  Unfortunately friends are divided in a divorce.   In  Brigid's Godparents' case, the ex got them and I didn't. 

So I feel sadness.  Frustration and sadness.  Not a way to spend a Saturday. 
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