My Life in a Nut Shell

3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I'm stuck.

That seems to be a pretty defined issue I have in my life.  Getting stuck.  Sunday's assignment for Bible study was the Book of Ruth and Samuel 1 and 2.  I can't seem to get through Samuel.  I've read the same few verses over and over again.  I suppose this is why Bible study is an ongoing thing.  It has to be to continue to understand and get the word of God.  I'm impatient and don't like to be stuck.  This has been a struggle.  Last night after Bible study I felt somewhat drained.  I think it is because the Old Testament is a build up to Jesus.  Lots of foreshadowing.  Lots of drama.  Lots of negativity with people having made really bad decisions like ignoring God's voice.  I try really hard not to ignore his voice but let's be honest.  We all ignore God at one point or another.  No matter how hard we try to listen.  Maybe in getting stuck in Samuel I am somehow trying to ignore God.  That's why it's been so hard to get through that part.  I'm facing my own ignorance.  That's a hard pill to swallow.

I've spent this weekend getting stuck in my past.  It was my 25th high school reunion.  I got to spend my evening having people have no idea who I was.  I was a dork in high school.  I may have mentioned that.  I lived with parents who really seemed to prefer that I not date, go out, or otherwise have a social life.  I'm working hard not to raise my children that way.  School is much more than an academic setting.  It's a social setting.  So if my girls want to do something friend-related, I'm all for it.   Instead of being my usual outgoing self on Saturday I reverted back to that shy, quiet, meek girl who felt intimidated by everyone one around me.  I'm mad at myself for feeling that way.  I was stuck. 

Here I am.  A big floral nightmare.  Why didn't I bring my social self Saturday night?  Why did I feel so intimidated??  Maybe it's the extra 75 lbs I'm carrying.  (Notice the artfully cropped photo.)  Or maybe it's because I never felt on the same level with these wonderful ladies.  Saturday night just made me feel that way all over again.  Stuck.  When am I ever going to put away the old memories of my former self and move on?

 How do I unstick myself?

Closing my eyes and listening with my HEART to God is what I need to do.  And fast. 
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