My Life in a Nut Shell

3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Baggage

Last night I took the girls to dinner at Fazoli's. Tuesday is kid's night and dinner for each child with a drink is 99 cents. So for all 5 of us to go out to dinner it costs me about $10. Not bad. Plus they do a kid craft in the party room. I agreed to meet Ali and her boys there for a night of fun. An unexpected guest showed up to have dinner as well. I was happy to see this extra guest but it sort of put me off. And here's why. I never feel like I am good enough. I realize that this is baggage left over from high school where my parents just did not have enough money to buy the things I thought I needed to fit in. So I usually just hung back in the shadows and did my best to not stick out in the crowd. This person at dinner last night is usually very pleasant and was last night too. But I felt uncomfortable. And it totally was me. I can't afford a month in Florida on vacation. I can't afford a new van. I can't afford to dress my girls in Polo or any other designer for that matter. Did I get treated like less than a person last night? No. Did I feel it in my mind? Yes. How do I get past the baggage of the past? I took what could have been a very pleasant evening and simply ruined it by feeling uncomfortable. And that happens often when I am in group settings. I am not where I expected to be at 41. I suspect most of us aren't. But I would love to get past those awful feelings of never feeling good enough. So to Ali and the guest last night. I apologize for being in a stinky mood. I'll do better next time.
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