So

I notice that when I type out most of my blog entries I start with the word so.  I often do it so that when you read this you feel like you are dropping right in the middle of my conversations.  I do this IRL too. 

So let me tell you my story.  See?  So here's what happened...

I'm not going to do that tonight.  Tomorrow maybe.

I started a Bible study with Jeremiah and Cassie.  I explained to them awhile back that I felt like I didn't really know the Bible.  In fact, I am intimidated by it.  I don't feel Holy enough to read it.  Mainly because I can't get my Father's voice out of my head when I start to read it.  He was an atheist you know.  He knew the Bible inside and out and loved to point out all the inconsistencies he said was in there.  I may have mentioned on here before that he said it was a good thing Jesus didn't hang himself or we would all be doing the sign of the noose.  I think right before my Dad died he may have had a change of heart.  I think he was hoping he would see my Mom again.

My faith journey has been one of may questions with very few answers.  The RCIA I attended at St. Louis Bertrand consisted of elderly people, very nice people, sitting in the basement of the parish hall for 2 hours on a Monday night overwhelming me with church doctrine.  Not the best way to learn the Bible for someone who was taught to view it with sarcasm.

Jeremiah offered to teach me the Bible from the basics.  Tonight he even had outlines!  I asked the smallest of questions.  Like "What do the numbers mean next to each group of sentences?"  Basic but when no one has ever told me, it was confusing!  Now I feel a renewed sense of purpose for reading the Bible.  I'm starting to understand it.  For me that is huge!!! 

It's still overwhelming for me but I am excited at the beginning.  I'm noticing little signs from everywhere.  Megan is obsessed with the movie Soul Surfer.  That's the story of Bethany Hamilton, the surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack.  AT one point she says she can't figure out how something this awful could be part of God's plan.  Today we were looking at clips on youtube about Bethany.  Several clips of her interviews always talk about God's plan for her.  Tonight while reading the Bible with Jeremiah, we talked about God's plan:

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

This verse has come up in my life so many times.  Did you know that when I made our adoption portfolio I placed this verse in the very front of it?  Why does this verse often come up at what appears to be random times?  I feel like this verse keeps filtering in my life at the times I am looking for my gratitude.  Living a life of gratitude is a powerful thing.  Even Sheryl Crow has a line in Soka Up the Sun that the girls and I heard on the radio coming back from church.  (By the way, the priest even spoke of gratitude today.)  The line is:

I don't have digital, 
I don't have diddley squat
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

Ok so it's not the deepest way to put it.  But it makes a point.  I'm kinda feeling like God is waving every single flag he has at me to pay attention.  So I'm paying attention.  (yep, just used so again)

In other less deep news...

I turned into the Mean Mom of the Year yesterday.  I'm fed up with the mess.  I can't take it.  And  anytime I struggle with my depression, my house shows it.  So yesterday we started at 9 a.m. and did not finish until 4:30 p.m.  We stopped for to eat lunch and a trip to Kroger.  The shrieking that was heard from my open windows were the sounds of children who were not happy.  I felt like I should have gone to my neighbors to apologize for all the noise.  But I was not letting up. Everytime someone wandered off for downstairs I made them come back up. That's when the shrieking usually occurred. It was nice to sit down at dinner and talk about how good we all felt that the upstairs was clean enough to show off to their friends. Of course today the downstairs is a disaster but that's ok. There's always next weekend.