My Life in a Nut Shell

3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Walk of Shame

At least that is what I call.  You know, the bi-annual visit to the food stamp office.  Just so my kids can eat.  I hate it.  I really do.  I dread going.  I keep thinking to myself that I really am not that poor. 

But I really am.

Today I had to take the girls with me because my appt. was a 3 p.m. and I knew I wouldn't get done in time to pick them up from school.  So we all got to enjoy the misery together.  I give my girls credit.  They really did well with the waiting.

Then we went to Target to pick up my blood pressure medicine. Nice.  Can't imagine why my blood pressure is high...

We came home, had a crappy dinner, played outside.  I walked with Cassie again this evening.  Feels nice to do that.  Cassie mentioned that she and her Mom used to walk together.  That reminded me of how MY Mom and I used to walk together all the time too.  That made me miss my Mom.  :(

I discovered from Cassie that one of the teachers we hired at school quit today after I left.  She worked a day.  Then quit. 

We come in the house and showered.

At 9 p.m.  Megan decides to do homework.  She needed scissors.  I blew up.

It's like that book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.  You know.  If you give a mouse a cookie he'll want a glass of milk to go with it.  If you send Kristina to the food stamp office she will blow up at her kid.

Now I feel awful.  I apologized to Megan and tried to help her out.  Today I am done.  I can't help one more person, one more kid, one more cat, one more human being.  I am tapped out.  I am feeling more tapped out everyday.  My depression is wearing me down and I'm trying desperately to get out of it. 

But here's the important thing... I AM NOT asking for help from anyone.  I need to work this out myself.  I am not looking for a financial handout.  I am not looking for pity.  You know that saying, "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime."  (or something like that.)  I don't want a band-aid which is what help would be right now.  A band-aid.  I need to get out of this myself.  Whether it's a new job, new city, new apartment, whatever, I need to do it for myself.  Or I will never feel better. 

So tonight I will go to bed, sleep, and get up tomorrow morning and go to work.  Because it's what I do.  It's what my children need me to do.  Not doing to well in finding my gratitude today.

Gonna try again tomorrow. 
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