My Life in a Nut Shell

3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Guilt

Mom guilt. I have a lot of it. I was in bed last night and I couldn't sleep. Part of it is because the girls are not in the apartment and I miss them. But mostly because my mind got to racing about all the things I just don't feel I do well with the girls. I sometimes am short with them. I don't have enough time in my day to be as patient as I should be with them. Abby's haircut. She got a cut that looks like Mia Farrow's in Rosemary's Baby. (Dates me a bit doesn't it?) She wanted a longer cut like Brigid's and the lady who cut it just really whacked it all off. Abby is thrilled with it but I feel guilty that it got cut that short. Brigid loves to read. A lot of times I don't have time to read to her in the evenings and I feel she misses out. Megan wants Air Jordan tennis shoes. She got Payless tennis shoes. Now I feel guilty. Caroline just wants to be held, and cuddled, and cozied with every evening. I just don't have the time. I live in a second floor apartment. They can't run, jump, dance, or be noisy in there. I feel guilty. We went to Kentucky Kingdom on Sat. with free passes from school. I couldn't afford to buy snacks there so we just drank a lot of water. We left at 2 p.m. and didn't have dinner until 10 p.m. I felt like the worst parent ever. I took a nap on Sunday. I feel guilty that I enjoyed the day without the girls. I do so much for them but some days it just never feels like it is enough. I hope that when the girls get older and look back on things they will realize that I sacrificed so much and went without just so they could have what they have. I shop at Goodwill, I color my own hair (but only if the color is on sale for $4 or less), I bought $4 dollar tennis shoes at K-Mart. I broke a tooth at my last job and don't have the money to fix it. I have cavities that need to be fixed but don't have the money. I have a car without air conditioning. It sure does get hot in there. But I don't regret a moment of going without because I know my girls benefit. I just wish that some days I didn't feel so guilty.
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Monday, June 29, 2009

An update

Man, it's been awhile since I have posted. A lot has happened. We moved. We found a nice 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment with 1600 sq. ft. The price is right and the girls really like it. I like that we get to start over fresh. I only moved what I needed so it has been easy to keep things clean and organized. Plus when the kitchen sink plugged up on Sat. I just called maintenance and they came right over and fixed it. Ahhhh. No need to try and find money to have a plumber come out and fix things.

My job is going well. I finally found a place where I can stand still for awhile. The money's not great but better than most childcare places. I have no health insurance though. And I found out in April that I have Type II Diabetes. The upside to that is that the weight is falling off. Just 25-30 lbs. left to go. And thanks to the Spirit program at the YMCA I've been able to join with the girls. Now I can work-out while the girls are in the KidSpace. After I am done we head out to the water park there and swim. Life has been nice. I've made so many strides over the last 7 months. I sometimes hesitate to say things are going well because I am so afraid I might jinx things.

Caroline was Star Student of the Month in May. She was so proud of herself. Megan was Star Student in June. That means all 4 girls were Star Students at their school this year. I feel like that is some feedback in how I am doing things with the girls. I sometimes question myself as to whether I am doing a good job. I have no one to bounce things off of; no one to tell me I'm doing things right or wrong. So it's nice to see that they are doing well in school. Megan got so many awards in her class at the end of the year that it got kind of embarrassing. :) Her teacher just could not seem to praise her enough. Now if I could only see some of that wonderful behavior at home!!

I'll update more tomorrow. The girls went with their Dad to St. Louis for the week. This is my first break since he lost his utilities in early January. He has not had overnight visits. I'm not sure what I am going to do with all my time!!
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