Baggage

Last night I took the girls to dinner at Fazoli's. Tuesday is kid's night and dinner for each child with a drink is 99 cents. So for all 5 of us to go out to dinner it costs me about $10. Not bad. Plus they do a kid craft in the party room. I agreed to meet Ali and her boys there for a night of fun. An unexpected guest showed up to have dinner as well. I was happy to see this extra guest but it sort of put me off. And here's why. I never feel like I am good enough. I realize that this is baggage left over from high school where my parents just did not have enough money to buy the things I thought I needed to fit in. So I usually just hung back in the shadows and did my best to not stick out in the crowd. This person at dinner last night is usually very pleasant and was last night too. But I felt uncomfortable. And it totally was me. I can't afford a month in Florida on vacation. I can't afford a new van. I can't afford to dress my girls in Polo or any other designer for that matter. Did I get treated like less than a person last night? No. Did I feel it in my mind? Yes. How do I get past the baggage of the past? I took what could have been a very pleasant evening and simply ruined it by feeling uncomfortable. And that happens often when I am in group settings. I am not where I expected to be at 41. I suspect most of us aren't. But I would love to get past those awful feelings of never feeling good enough. So to Ali and the guest last night. I apologize for being in a stinky mood. I'll do better next time.

Open wide and say "Ah"

Yes it's that time of year. The annual GYN exam. Ew. Yuck. I figure I should be use to it by now what with FIVE pelvic surgeries, IUIs, IVF, and what-have-you. But it still stinks. And this one was with a new doctor. I would love to know why they make you strip down to nothing but socks, put a paper gown on you that only goes just to your belly button, give you what equates to being a paper towel and then leave you for 20 MINUTES while you hope and pray the whole time someone doesn't come in there by mistake. I think next time I'm bringing my own robe so I can sit down in comfort while waiting for someone to come in and look at my who-ha. Next month is mammogram time. Since Mom died of digestive tract cancer I figure at some point they are going to suggest a colonoscopy. Weee. At least a got a prescription for some new hormones to help control the hot flashes. Mine are so bad they could melt paint.

The girls were so glad to be home last night. By the time I got done scrubbing them down and cutting fingernails and toenails (that's 80 nails in all) it was 10:30. They fell right to sleep. And wouldn't you know it, Brigid ended up in my bed. I didn't mind a bit. :0)

On a different note, I am addicted to Cake Boss on TLC. I was watching one last night where a niece, I think, had a ballet recital. The whole family got together afterwards for a really huge party. All I could think of was how cool that had to be to have so much family around all the time. I am envious. I just really enjoy watching the guys in that bakery make such georgeous, delicate cakes.

Hooray!!!!

My girls are home! My girls are home!! I am so excited!!! They got home at 2:30 this afternoon. Actually the ex dropped them off at my work at 2:30. I cried. It feels soooo good to have them home. The first few days they were gone it was a relief to get a break. Then it got old really quick. I was climbing the walls yesterday waiting for them to get back. They were due back at 6 p.m. last night. At 1 p.m. the ex called and said they were going to have a "light picnic" and then they would leave around 3 or 4 p.m. Great. At 11 p.m. last night the ex called. Something about Megan stacking the carseats with "stuff" on them and the carseats and the car were now filled with ants. WTF????? ANTS???? He was trying to get rid of them but just couldn't seem to do it. So now they had to stay the night in St. Louis again and he would bring them back on Monday. Again I'm trying not to speak negatively about the ex but c'mon. Really? I feel like that skit on SNL where the two newscasters just keep saying "really?" A simple call in the afternoon yesterday to say they were going to stay another night would have been fine. So I was very skeptical about the girls returning today. You can imagine my relief to have them back here with me today. They are currently at VBS this week in the evening. I feel badly that VBS started today and they just got back today. If they hadn't been so excited about going I would have just kept them home tonight. It will be good to go home tonight and go to sleep knowing the girls are safely with me again.

Life is good.

5:30 a.m.

I called Pat's cell phone last night around 7 p.m. and talked to the girls. They told me they were having a wonderful time. They were watching a movie. They had been to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game. They went to Chuck E. Cheese on the triplets' birthday. I was feeling really good about having the time off and easing up on my guilt ride (which I sometimes wear as armor). At 5:30 a.m. this morning, my phone rang. I fumbled for the phone and with blurry eyes I could see it was Pat's cell phone. By the time I answered it he had already hung up. So I frantically called him back positive that something horrible had happened. He answered and said that they couldn't find Abby's Mousey in the tent and were using the cell phone as a flashlight to see. They accidently dialed my number and everything was fine. I was feeling very relieved and then all of a sudden it hit me. Tent? What tent? I asked where they were. A long pause......"camping". That's Pat's usual code for "I took the girls to St. Louis without telling you." But they're already in St. Louis. Where are you? No answer. I asked if they were camping in his girlfriend's backyard. No answer. Then "yes." And that was the end of the phone call. I am fuming because their was no mention of camping in the phone call the night before. For some reason I think Patrick thinks I am trying to check up on HIM. But to be honest I don't care where HE is. We're divorced. If he moves to South Africa tomorrow I could care less. I want to know where the GIRLS are. It is my right as a parent to know where they are. I want to know they are safe. I want to know they are being taken care of properly. For some reason I can't get that message through to Pat. No matter what I do or say he thinks it is about him. It's not. It's all about the girls. It always will be about the girls. Friends say, "How nice, you have a whole week off, or you have a weekend off." But it's not nice. I worry the entire time about where the girls are. I try so hard not to say negative things about Pat on this blog. But for the last four years everytime they go with him I worry. Because he has been pretty consistent with NOT letting me know where the girls are or how they are. Two weeks ago he was taking them camping for a weekend. When they got back home I found out they went to St. Louis. No phone call, no email, nothing. Who does that? EVERYTIME I have taken the girls someone (such as the Aquarium in Ohio) I have notified him. I leave telephone numbers and names of hotels so that if he ever needed or WANTED to talk to the girls, then he had access. He has my work number, my home number, my cell number, my brother's number, and my friend Ali's number (hope that's ok Ali!) in case he ever needed something. And he takes the girls for a week and I don't get to know anything. So today I am mad. I am fuming. And I am sick with worry about where the girls are at now.

Guilt

Mom guilt. I have a lot of it. I was in bed last night and I couldn't sleep. Part of it is because the girls are not in the apartment and I miss them. But mostly because my mind got to racing about all the things I just don't feel I do well with the girls. I sometimes am short with them. I don't have enough time in my day to be as patient as I should be with them. Abby's haircut. She got a cut that looks like Mia Farrow's in Rosemary's Baby. (Dates me a bit doesn't it?) She wanted a longer cut like Brigid's and the lady who cut it just really whacked it all off. Abby is thrilled with it but I feel guilty that it got cut that short. Brigid loves to read. A lot of times I don't have time to read to her in the evenings and I feel she misses out. Megan wants Air Jordan tennis shoes. She got Payless tennis shoes. Now I feel guilty. Caroline just wants to be held, and cuddled, and cozied with every evening. I just don't have the time. I live in a second floor apartment. They can't run, jump, dance, or be noisy in there. I feel guilty. We went to Kentucky Kingdom on Sat. with free passes from school. I couldn't afford to buy snacks there so we just drank a lot of water. We left at 2 p.m. and didn't have dinner until 10 p.m. I felt like the worst parent ever. I took a nap on Sunday. I feel guilty that I enjoyed the day without the girls. I do so much for them but some days it just never feels like it is enough. I hope that when the girls get older and look back on things they will realize that I sacrificed so much and went without just so they could have what they have. I shop at Goodwill, I color my own hair (but only if the color is on sale for $4 or less), I bought $4 dollar tennis shoes at K-Mart. I broke a tooth at my last job and don't have the money to fix it. I have cavities that need to be fixed but don't have the money. I have a car without air conditioning. It sure does get hot in there. But I don't regret a moment of going without because I know my girls benefit. I just wish that some days I didn't feel so guilty.

An update

Man, it's been awhile since I have posted. A lot has happened. We moved. We found a nice 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment with 1600 sq. ft. The price is right and the girls really like it. I like that we get to start over fresh. I only moved what I needed so it has been easy to keep things clean and organized. Plus when the kitchen sink plugged up on Sat. I just called maintenance and they came right over and fixed it. Ahhhh. No need to try and find money to have a plumber come out and fix things.

My job is going well. I finally found a place where I can stand still for awhile. The money's not great but better than most childcare places. I have no health insurance though. And I found out in April that I have Type II Diabetes. The upside to that is that the weight is falling off. Just 25-30 lbs. left to go. And thanks to the Spirit program at the YMCA I've been able to join with the girls. Now I can work-out while the girls are in the KidSpace. After I am done we head out to the water park there and swim. Life has been nice. I've made so many strides over the last 7 months. I sometimes hesitate to say things are going well because I am so afraid I might jinx things.

Caroline was Star Student of the Month in May. She was so proud of herself. Megan was Star Student in June. That means all 4 girls were Star Students at their school this year. I feel like that is some feedback in how I am doing things with the girls. I sometimes question myself as to whether I am doing a good job. I have no one to bounce things off of; no one to tell me I'm doing things right or wrong. So it's nice to see that they are doing well in school. Megan got so many awards in her class at the end of the year that it got kind of embarrassing. :) Her teacher just could not seem to praise her enough. Now if I could only see some of that wonderful behavior at home!!

I'll update more tomorrow. The girls went with their Dad to St. Louis for the week. This is my first break since he lost his utilities in early January. He has not had overnight visits. I'm not sure what I am going to do with all my time!!

I'm moving

Ok so it's official. I need to move by Sat. Apr. 4. Not much notice which really sucks. I have it pretty much narrowed down to two places. I'm getting help from my brother and nephew in moving. And Ali's husband, Bob, is helping too. But I need more help. If anyone is interested in helping with the move next Sat. let me know. And if anyone has an extra truck I could borrow that would be great too. I hate to ask but I'm in need of help and I figured the best way to get help is just to ask. Thanks!