Guilt

Mom guilt. I have a lot of it. I was in bed last night and I couldn't sleep. Part of it is because the girls are not in the apartment and I miss them. But mostly because my mind got to racing about all the things I just don't feel I do well with the girls. I sometimes am short with them. I don't have enough time in my day to be as patient as I should be with them. Abby's haircut. She got a cut that looks like Mia Farrow's in Rosemary's Baby. (Dates me a bit doesn't it?) She wanted a longer cut like Brigid's and the lady who cut it just really whacked it all off. Abby is thrilled with it but I feel guilty that it got cut that short. Brigid loves to read. A lot of times I don't have time to read to her in the evenings and I feel she misses out. Megan wants Air Jordan tennis shoes. She got Payless tennis shoes. Now I feel guilty. Caroline just wants to be held, and cuddled, and cozied with every evening. I just don't have the time. I live in a second floor apartment. They can't run, jump, dance, or be noisy in there. I feel guilty. We went to Kentucky Kingdom on Sat. with free passes from school. I couldn't afford to buy snacks there so we just drank a lot of water. We left at 2 p.m. and didn't have dinner until 10 p.m. I felt like the worst parent ever. I took a nap on Sunday. I feel guilty that I enjoyed the day without the girls. I do so much for them but some days it just never feels like it is enough. I hope that when the girls get older and look back on things they will realize that I sacrificed so much and went without just so they could have what they have. I shop at Goodwill, I color my own hair (but only if the color is on sale for $4 or less), I bought $4 dollar tennis shoes at K-Mart. I broke a tooth at my last job and don't have the money to fix it. I have cavities that need to be fixed but don't have the money. I have a car without air conditioning. It sure does get hot in there. But I don't regret a moment of going without because I know my girls benefit. I just wish that some days I didn't feel so guilty.

An update

Man, it's been awhile since I have posted. A lot has happened. We moved. We found a nice 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment with 1600 sq. ft. The price is right and the girls really like it. I like that we get to start over fresh. I only moved what I needed so it has been easy to keep things clean and organized. Plus when the kitchen sink plugged up on Sat. I just called maintenance and they came right over and fixed it. Ahhhh. No need to try and find money to have a plumber come out and fix things.

My job is going well. I finally found a place where I can stand still for awhile. The money's not great but better than most childcare places. I have no health insurance though. And I found out in April that I have Type II Diabetes. The upside to that is that the weight is falling off. Just 25-30 lbs. left to go. And thanks to the Spirit program at the YMCA I've been able to join with the girls. Now I can work-out while the girls are in the KidSpace. After I am done we head out to the water park there and swim. Life has been nice. I've made so many strides over the last 7 months. I sometimes hesitate to say things are going well because I am so afraid I might jinx things.

Caroline was Star Student of the Month in May. She was so proud of herself. Megan was Star Student in June. That means all 4 girls were Star Students at their school this year. I feel like that is some feedback in how I am doing things with the girls. I sometimes question myself as to whether I am doing a good job. I have no one to bounce things off of; no one to tell me I'm doing things right or wrong. So it's nice to see that they are doing well in school. Megan got so many awards in her class at the end of the year that it got kind of embarrassing. :) Her teacher just could not seem to praise her enough. Now if I could only see some of that wonderful behavior at home!!

I'll update more tomorrow. The girls went with their Dad to St. Louis for the week. This is my first break since he lost his utilities in early January. He has not had overnight visits. I'm not sure what I am going to do with all my time!!

I'm moving

Ok so it's official. I need to move by Sat. Apr. 4. Not much notice which really sucks. I have it pretty much narrowed down to two places. I'm getting help from my brother and nephew in moving. And Ali's husband, Bob, is helping too. But I need more help. If anyone is interested in helping with the move next Sat. let me know. And if anyone has an extra truck I could borrow that would be great too. I hate to ask but I'm in need of help and I figured the best way to get help is just to ask. Thanks!

New Job

I started a new job at the beginning of Jan. It's a nice childcare center but I make very little money. I found a new job that is only 2 miles from the girls' school and $2 an hour more than what I am making now. Plus I don't start until 9 a.m. so there is no need for morning childcare for the girls and the school is letting me leave at 3:45 to pick up my girls and bring them back with me until I get off at 5 p.m. So I do not need childcare at all in the afternoon either! Just with the pay raise and no childcare costs I am looking at over $600 extra in my pocket each month. That's not to mention the money I save in gas and I can eat lunch at the preschool too. I start Mar. 10. The hours will be so much better for the girls. They are exhausted. They've been spending 10 hours a day at their school. Last night after we got home I had to make dinner, help with homework for 4 girls, give baths, trim bangs on 3 girls and cut finger and toe nails. They girls did not get to be until 9:30. Waaayyyy to late. So just a week and half more and our hours will be so much better. Things are slowly looking up and I am feeling good and positive about things. The school that I am at now wanted me to stay and offered me $1.50 an hour more but I will still have to pay for childcare for the girls. Now I just need to find a part-time job for when the girls are with their Dad so that I can have health insurance.

The girls are doing well and Abby was Star Student of the Month for January!!!! She got a new dress and hairbow for the occasion. Her Dad even showed up! I'm tickled because she works soooo hard at school. It doesn't come easy for her but she sure tries. There have now been 3 Star Students in our family. Caroline is patiently waiting and hoping she gets chosen soon. :)

Speaking of Caroline, the girl loooves fruit. Any kind. The more exotic the better but her favorite is kiwis. Last night I bought a King cake to have for Mardi Gras. It had cherry filling in it. Caroline was in hog Heaven and said, "I'm not a vegetarian. I'm a fruitatarian!" The girl's a mess!!!! She has the most unusual take on things but definite makes me laugh.

Megan's last cheerleading game is Friday. It has been a long haul and I am glad it is winding down. Her coaches bought everyone pizza at practice last night so megan was thrilled. She continues to do well in school. Every single spelling test she has had this year has been 100% or better. Only once has she gotten just 100%. Every other test has been 105%. She just gets it. Spelling and reading come easy to her. She made the Advanced Program for next year and is just really bright.

Brigid was chosen in her Kindergarten class to read a passage aloud to the school about Harriet Tubman for a Black History Celebration. (My girls call it Brown History Month because they say people have brown and peach skin not white and black) I didn't get to see it (had to work) but her Dad showed up and said it was really cute.

Things for the girls' Dad continue to be rough. I don't post when there are negative things to say about him but he is having a rough time. He is without electricity at the moment and has been for almost 2 months. I've given him info on how to get help paying his bill and I am hoping he gets it back soon. I think this is the first time in over 3 1/2 years that I actually feel sorry for him and hope he gets himself together. It makes the girls sad that they can't have overnight visits with him. Say a little prayer for him.

I'm still in my house. Don't know when I need to leave but I am sticking it out to the end and trying to save money so that when I do move it won't be a hardship.

That's about it in my crazy world. Hope all is well in yours.

And the days go on

Time to update. Lots of things have happened since I last wrote. First off my sister Lisa is no longer living with us. She just couldn't stay sober/clean. Lisa knew that if there were any missteps as far as her addiction was concerned she would have to leave. I've been dealing with her issues for 23 years. And came to the realization that I didn't want to spend the next 23 years dealing with the same thing and I definitely did not want my girls exposed to the very same thing for the next 23 years either. It has been really hard on the girls not having Aunt Lisa in their lives anymore. But when it comes down to it my responsibility is to my girls. And there is no reason on earth that they have to be subjected to the very same things my family has been subjected to with Lisa. I don't know where she is at and I no longer have any contact with her. Harsh? No, I don't think so. Just reality.

Megan tested into the advanced program for school next year in 4th grade. I always knew that kid was smart but it is nice to see that others agree. She scored in the NINTH percentile for her verbal abilities. No surprise there!

Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline continue to do well in school. Brigid is so darn smart too. She is very much like Megan. She picks things up easily and has an incredible memory. She has become obsessed with dates. She comes home everyday and tells us about birthdays or holidays coming up in school. She studies the calendar everyday too and discusses the Chinese New Year or when the 100th day of school will be. And she has just blossomed in school. Her behavior at home has been amazing as well.

Caroline is my oddball. And I say that in the nicest way possible in celebration of her oddness. Last night she informed everyone that it really is more comfortable sleeping in a box. We have lots of cardboard boxes so that we can pack when we finally move. She has picked one and likes to put her pillow in it with a blanket (her didi) and cozy. She is definitely (as her teacher describes) a thinker. She likes to observe and really processes information. The other night we were talking about how commercials are slanted so that the advertisers get you to buy their products. I talked about how cigarette ads are designed to get you to buy them so that you make the owners money even though cigarettes are so bad for you. Caroline sat for a moment and then started crying. I asked what was wrong and she said that she hated the cigarette people for tricking Aunt Lisa, Uncle Erik, and Papa and Bestamor into smoking. Papa died from cigarette smoking and now Aunt Lisa and Uncle Erik are going to die too. It was a huge leap for her to make that assumption. But that is how Caroline is. She is so very sensitive to things like that.

Abby continues to be so much of a Momma's girl. I always get lots of hugs and kisses from her. School has been a bit harder for her. She is getting it and the lightbulb is starting to come on but it has been a slow process for her. My Dad always said Abby would be the one with all the friends around her and that is turning out to be so. Her teacher says that she always has friends around her seat in class and that sometimes Abby is not paying attention because she is too busy being social. There is something to be said for having a lot of friends. Abby is sweet and the protector of the family. If Megan is picking on any sister Abby is always there to defend them. It is amazing how protective she is over all of her sisters.

Now some good news for me! I got a job!! It's not exactly what I wanted and the pay is really not so great. But as my brother put it I am making more money there then sitting on my butt at home. The job does offer health insurance which is a major plus. So I am going to take it because it is a start. I will be a floater in a childcare center. I give breaks, help out where needed, answer phones, etc. I kind of like the fact that I don't have to do lesson plans and that I just go to work and when I leave at the end of the day I can focus on the girls and not worry about work. I will continue to look for a position that is more suited to what I am looking for, but this is a good solid start.

I went back and reread my first couple of blog entries from last year. My goal for 2008 was to do everything just a little bit better. And for the most part I think I met my goal. Oprah has been touting her show this week as making this your best life ever. I am striving again to make things just a little bit better. Things at home as far as the mess factor goes is getting better. The girls are older and in school all day so they house isn't such a mess. And I have been following the Fly Lady again. If you are not familiar with her check out her website flylady.com She gives amazing hints for keeping your house looking good. The entire living area of my house is now clean, organized and ready for moving. I am now focusing on the basement and garage with good success. If I haven't used it in a year it is gone. I spend 15-30 minutes every evening after the girls go to bed tacking one closet, one box, one drawer, etc. in an effort to clean things out.

My weight has definitely been an issue in the last couple of years. But I have recently lost 27 lbs.!!!!! I'm making an effort to change my family's diet by adding extra fresh veggies and fruits. We talk at dinner about making good choices in what we eat. And I have successfully eliminated all soft drinks from my diet. That was tough. But I already feel better and look better. My next goal is to move. Some way everyday. Move my body more than I have been doing it.

I've made a concentrated effort to be better. To do better. To live better. To find the joy in doing little things again. And I feel so much better about it. Here is a quote from someone I know who gave me my "aha" moment: "You've got things backwards, Kristina. You can't wait to feel better to do something. You've got to do something to feel better." My life motto. Every time I move, whether it be exercise, housework, being with my kids, running errands or even reading, I feel better. My other "aha" moment came from Ali. I was complaining to her on Christmas Eve that I felt like I had worked so hard this year and was in exactly the same place as I was last year at this time. Her point? "You haven't gone backwards. Just sideways." That gave me some nice perspective as well. lol

So lots of rambling with lots of thoughts. But I have had so much in my head lately. Hope you can make some sense of it all!!

Go Falcons Go!

Megan cheered at her first game yesterday. This is her first year at Field but her third year cheerleading. The girls cheer for the basketball team. She looked adorable. And so very happy. It was fun to see her with all her friends and she wasn't the least bit nervous. I admire this girl so very much for that. As a kid I was rediculously shy. I could have never gotten up in front of a crowd. And Megan doesn't bat an eye. She is also the shortest one on the team. It's too funny to watch. I was thrilled when Megan made the team but did not have the money to pay for it. Megan's Grandparents, Grandpa John and Grandma Sandy paid the cheerleading fee for her. Thank you!! My favorite picture is the one on the bottom where she is in mid-cheer. Her pompoms are blurry because she was moving them so fast! The girls had a blast watching their big sister cheer and all three are planning to cheer when they hit third grade. Yikes that will be three fees all at once! Where is Prince Charming when I need him!!!

We also ran into friends from our adoption group. When we adopted through Catholic Charities we went through 2 months of training with 4 other couples. We were the last couple to get a baby. One couple P & J adopted their son and then almost 2 years later they gave birth to their second son and a year later gave birth to a daughter. I hadn't seen them in person in a few years so it was fun to show off all 4 girls. And great to see their youngest son who is in first grade. I always worry about what Megan's Birth Mother would say if she knew about our situation. I am sure this is not what she was thinking about when she placed Megan with us. Things have definitely taken a drastic turn for the worse. But Megan couldn't be with anyone who loves her more. And everything I do, I do for the girls. It just was hard to answer to this couple last night who seem to have everything going for them. Makes me feel really bad, you know?

Then I was supposed to go out last night on a date after bringing the girls home. But I just couldn't do it. I am not at that place right now where I could add another person to my life. I'm a hot mess as my sister often reminds me. Who would want to walk into this situation? So I cancelled it. I want to get my job/finances/moving situation stable before I venture out into the unknown. lol

Unless of course you know a millionnaire who is available?!

My Resume

Anybody need a highly-educated, highly-trained teacher?

Objective To use my education and experience to be a productive team member and leader in an educational environment

Education
Bachelor of Science in Early Elementary Education 1991 University of Louisville
Master of Education 2001 University of Louisville
Certified in grades K-4 and self-contained Fifth and Sixth

Relevant Experience July 1999 to November 2003 Field Elementary, 120 Sacred Heart Ln. Louisville, KY 40206 502-485-8252 Primary teacher-Experience with teaching First Grade, Second Grade and a split First/Second Grade; duties included aligning lesson plans to the Core Content, collaborating with peers to increase our CATS scores, communication with parents, and working with parent volunteers; was a member of the literacy committee to incorporate skills as specified in the No Child Left Behind Act; created and organized the Field Elementary Literacy Night Program which included celebrity readers, a speaker from theNational Center for Family Literacy, and obtained funds to purchase enough books for each child in attendance to receive 3 free books; also have experience with administering the Observation Survey to determine the level each student was working toward
July 1996 to July 1999 Shelby Elementary 735 Zeigler St. Louisville, KY40217 502-485-8327 Primary teacher-Experience with teaching a multi-age, multi-ability classroom, First Grade, and a Second/Third Grade split; was a member of the curriculum committee to align lesson plans to the Core Content and Kentucky Teacher Standards, collaborated with peers to increase our CATS scores, used effective communication with parents in the form of weekly newsletters, progress reports, and daily reports; utilized parent volunteers in the classroom; was a part of the discipline committee for the school; participated with the principal in hiring new teachers; was an integral part of a grant writing team which earned a $300,000 grant to start a new literacy program in the school
November 1995 to July 1996 Field Elementary, 120 Sacred Heart Ln.Louisville, KY 40206 485-8252 Primary teacher-Experience in a Kindergarten/First grade split-duties included taking over a classroom in November 1995 and taking a non-reading classroom into a reading classroom; collaborated with academic team to align curriculum with the Kentucky Teacher Standards; began Kentucky Teacher Internship Program during this year
August 1993 to November 1995 Field Elementary, 120 Sacred Heart Ln. Louisville, KY 40206 485-8252 Director/Lead teacher in a tuition-based Pre-school program-Duties included managing a staff of six in a team-centered approach; researching and creating a curriculum to include age-appropriate lesson plans; collaborated with peers to partner the older students with the younger students for literacy activities; bookkeeping and purchasing of all supplies for the classroom; maintained records as a licensed childcare center by the Cabinet for Human Resources and ensured the classroom was aligned with all regulations mandated by the Cabinet for Human Resources and Jefferson County Public Schools

Other Experience
President of the Young Alumni Association at the University of Louisville 1997-1998-duties included creating, organizing, and leading school and community events, collaborating with peers, recruiting and presenting speakers at meetings and social events such as former football coach Ron L. Cooper at a quarterly meeting
Alumni Service Award Winner at the University of Louisville 1996-was chosen along with a single representative from each school (Medical,Dental, Speed, Social Work, Education, Arts and Sciences) to receive the award for outstanding contributions to the Alumni Association;received the award during half-time at the 1996 Homecoming football game
Chair of the Repair Affair at the University of Louisville through New Directions Housing Corporation 1997-duties included organizing and recruiting volunteers, obtaining business and community donations to repair 10 houses for elderly and disabled homeowners who were physically and financially unable to make the much needed repairs
Pre-Cana presenter for engaged couples 1998-2002 Archdiocese of Louisville
Extended School Services Teacher at both Shelby Elementary and Field Elementary 1996-2003
New Teacher Mentoring Program 2000-2001-duties included mentoring teachers in their second and third years of teaching; observing classrooms to provide feedback to improve teaching skills; provided recommendations for professional development; meet with teachers bi-weekly to answer any questions and provide support
Vice-President of Special Programs Field Elementary Parent Teacher Association 2008-2009-duties include organizing the National PTA’s Reflections Arts Program at the school level and organizing Field’s International Delight Night

Proficient in Word, Excel and Microsoft Office.