35 Hours or I'm REALLY Pissed

No that isn't the name of a new show on Fox.  This is the amount of time my ex spent with our daughters this weekend.  He brought them back early.  Again.  I made two promises to myself when I started this blog.  One was to never blog when I'm mad.  I'll regret what I type later.  The second is to not bad mouth the girls' Dad.  Though in this case I'm breaking both promises.

I can't take much more.  I just plain don't have the money to take him back to court but I'm going to try and figure out how.   He hasn't visited with Megan since June.  And he brought them back a day early with the pitiful comment, "I thought that was what we were doing."  No dude, that is what YOU are doing.   I love the fact that he just chooses not to follow the divorce settlement.  He cannot handle being a parent.  Period.   No matter what he tries to claim, he is just not a parent.  He doesn't take an interest in anything involving the girls except when he decides to complain about something I do with the girls.

I'm sorry but tonight I'm angry.  Really angry.  This has nothing to do with me having to spend more time with the girls.  I love every minute with the girls.  (Unless I'm in the doctor's office or the grocery store with them.)  It's the utter lack of respect for our children and for me.   He does what he wants when he wants to.  I wonder what would happen if I showed up on a Friday evening and told him I had a date and then just left the girls.  He would freak.   Yet he does this to the girls and I each and every time he has visitation with him.

And dude?  This isn't parenting time.  This is visitation.  You haven't parented these girls in over 7 years.  That's been my job.   So go home and get your laundry done, or grocery shop, or hang with your girlfriend.  I'll treasure our girls and the time I parent them.  Because when it comes down to it you haven't ever been a parent to these beautiful young ladies.  They will get older and you will be sad and feel sorry for yourself  for the time you choose not to be their parent.  

Shake It Out

I'm not one of those people who have a soundtrack to my life.  I know there are  people who find meaning in  songs.  Usually I just like how the song sounds.   This song really hit me last night.  I have a friend who tagged me with this song awhile back.  Good call!  Check out the video by Florence + The Machine.   Love this!  

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

"And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"

Halt! Who goes there???

Today has been my day to organize. The girls went with their Dad this morning for the weekend. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm thankful to be able to have some quiet time where I get to do what I want and don't have to take care of anyone. This is the first time Megan has gone with her Dad since June. I was surprised she went today and I'm praying that it goes the way Megan is hoping.

Shortly after the girls left I started organizing a few more areas that I haven't gotten to this summer: the pantry, laundry room, and kitchen. I now have sparkly cabinets! I hauled 3 bags to the dumpster and have one HUGE bag to go to Goodwill. The worst part was the Tupperware. My friend Catherine fussed at me for using the word. Really it was storage containers. My bad.

What a mess. It took up 3 cabinets in my micro-kitchen. Now it's in just one. After I got started I just couldn't seem to stop. It was one drawer after another. Laundry got washed. The bathrooms got reorganized. It's like I'm possessed. I even vacuumed the back of my dryer in an homage to my friend Cassie. I vacuumed the couches. I now have the secretary in the hall, my main closet in my bedroom, the top of the trio's closet, the bottom drawer of my file cabinet,and the hallway upstairs to organize and then I am done. Finished. Just in time for school to start for all of us.

My house has mirrored the way my brain has been for the last year. Cluttered and unorganized. (Refer back to the tupperware storage container pic) It's like I packed in stuff in my house and my brain so as not to deal with anything. When I tackle one project it necessitates the tackling of another project. I'm getting to the corners of everything. I had to deal with my sister's paperwork. Of course that brought up memories that I didn't want to have to relive. But I did. And I survived. I went through all sorts of paperwork from my foreclosure and before my bankruptcy. Man it was hard to look at that and see what a failure I've been in so many things. Now I've cleared out the paperwork the way I've cleared out my thinking.

One thing I've noticed about myself here lately, as I was organizing, is that for all the information I put out here that I share with everyone, I'm really a very guarded person with my personal life. I had a nice cup of tea with a friend who talked about her dating life. I was envious in that she has such a glamorous life and goes on lots of dates.  I can't picture myself sharing anything with another person. I've done a great job in putting a wall up when it comes to dating. If I keep that wall closely guarded then I won't get hurt.

And I won't need help from anyone.

 I'm not talking financial help (because it would be nice to have someone else handle the damn bills). I'm talking any kind of help in what I do day to day. I've noticed that I've done a lot to help my friends this summer. I've been all over this town cleaning houses, doing yard work, running errands for others. Yet I don't ask for anyone to do that here. I don't want to become dependent of any kind of help. Even when Brigid had her Chiari surgery I had a hard time accepting the help.

In my head, I've got this. I can handle it.

 My neighbor next door is a nice enough guy. He is constantly trying to help me carry things to the dumpster or to my front door. I don't want the help. He has some social issues that I don't want to deal with or have my daughters around. Yet when he was asking me out, all I could think was "Shit. I don't want anyone doing anything for me." Because let's face it. If I get too close to someone, really close, they will either disappoint me or die.

Kinda morbid isn't it??

That's what happens when you loose your parents and sister. I don't EVER want to go back to the point that I am dependent on someone else. EVER. That may explain why it's been over 4 years since I've even attempted to get close to someone. It ain't easy guarding the damn wall but at least I know it's up, it's there, and it's not getting penetrated easily.

So where does this leave me? I'm not sure. I'm working hard to put the girls and I in a position where the financial things won't be an issue. I'm excited because I know that after I'm done with school, I can do whatever I want, work as hard as I can, and build a better life for us. I have a goal for the financial part of my life. It's also a goal for the creative part of my life. I know what I want to do with the Mom part of my life.

I just don't have any idea what to do with the Kristina part of my life.