My Life in a Nut Shell

3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

It really can get worse

I've struggled here in the last 7 months to really pull myself up from my bootstraps. Found a good job, a nice place to live, can afford small things for the girls. Finally starting to enjoy life a bit. Then the van died. I need $1500 as a down payment to buy a car. NO ONE will loan me any money to buy a van except for Carmax. And only with $1500 down. I don't have it. I know it's my fault that my credit is so stinky. I really felt like this was the beginning of things getting better. How do I get myself and 4 kids around with a car? I came to the library today to look up TARC schedules. Life is going to be really tough trying to get around on city buses with 4 kids. I'm not really concerned about the hardship for me. I've survived SO MANY really bad things that this just falls in line with everything else. I don't want the hardship for the girls. I know they will think taking the bus is fun. But it is going to be really bad for them. I'm finding it hard to find a silver lining in all this. It just makes me feel like this is my just dessert for the things I've done in my life. I just don't feel worthy of good things happening anymore. Again I can carry the yuck all by myself without sympathy from anyone. But why should my girls have to suffer? I've too often lived in just the moment and the immediate future. I suck at looking down the road. I should have been planning for this. But I didn't. I had hoped the car would make it till tax time when I could have had a bit more for a down payment. And I should have been saving something. Should have. Could have. I didn't. So yes I am feeling really down. But I'll keep going. I have to. My children need it and expect it of me.

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