My sister

I'm pretty sure I have titled another blog entry with this same title. Probably because I have written about her before. Lisa has been arrested again. My heart is so heavy and so very sad. I can't even begin to imagine the demons that must be on her back. I know in my heart that jail is not the place for her.

Lisa is an addict. She tries to obtain prescription drugs illegally to support her habit. How is that a crime to anyone but herself? She needs to be sent somewhere to get better. To be taught how to stay better and then be given the tools she needs to stay clean. I realize that Lisa needs to own up to her addiction and take responsibility for getting and staying clean. But when an addiction is as bad as Lisa's she needs more help than just rehab.

I don't know what the answer is. I wish I did. I've had pretty much no contact with her since December of 2008. She has tried to call a few times but I just haven't been receptive. It's too painful. The sad fact is that I knew Lisa would relapse. I tried to help when she lived with me. I tried to find her help to stay clean. But Lisa had to want the help. Lisa had to take the help. And I'm not sure she even knew how to take the help. So to save myself I cut all ties to her. It's been 24 YEARS of dealing with Lisa and her addiction. At some point I had to say enough is enough. I love my sister. I still do. I just couldn't let myself get hurt again. And I couldn't let my children see her falling deeper and deeper into her addiction.

Now my heart hurts. It hurts for her. It hurts for the possibility of what that beautiful, intelligent woman COULD have become. All the possibilities that were at her feet as a young woman just starting out. We (my family) knew the type of woman Lisa could have been. And my heart aches for the loss of all that potential.

I do not view my sister as a stupid person.

I view her as someone so lost in such a horrible disease that she can't seem to see her way out of it. Addicts recover everyday. They stay clean. But they have to make the CHOICE to do that. And sometimes that choice is too hard to see through the addiction. I know first hand what that is like. You have to choose to get better. You have to choose to want to stay better. I battle with my depression daily. I can feel myself slip sometimes. I have been to the bottom and don't ever want to go there again. So the moment I feel myself slipping I get back to the doctor and get help. Perhaps Lisa can't see when she is going down. Perhaps all she sees is wanting to FEEL better. And that pill she swallows makes her feel better. Even if only temporarily. The trick is NOT to put the pill in your mouth in the first place. Because once you swallow, you're finished.

I don't know what the outcome of this latest arrest will be. I do know that she is in jail on a $25,000 full cash bond. My guess is that she will have to serve out her original sentence (the one she was on parole for). Then whatever charges this brings will be added on to that. This is her fourth time. I suspect the judge will not be kind.

So maybe, just maybe, when you are saying you're prayers, you could put a little one in for Lisa.

A prayer that she might one day find her way out of this horrible disease.

Ok. So don't laugh. I joined eharmony. I know. Goofy right? But really. Where am I going to meet anyone? I don't go to bars. Never really did as a young person either. All the men I know are married to my friends. I work with all women. So I thought I would take this route. I'm not expecting miracles. Do I think I'll find Mr. Right this way? I don't know. But I do like the idea of going out for dinner with someone other than a 9 year old and three 6 year olds. I'm pretty ok with being a single person. There are MANY things I like about being single. As my friend Ali puts it I get to be selfish. Right now I am sitting on my couch, watching the Olympics, eating wings from Ginny's Diner, and having complete quiet. I don't have to argue with anyone about what's on TV. No one suggesting I do some errand or job around the house. It's just me deciding what I do with my time. I get to be the boss. :) There are many perks. And yet I still wouldn't mind having someone in my life besides my girls. So I'll see where this takes me.

And while thinking about meeting someone new it got me thinking about how I should explain my life. Where I'm at now, I'm not embarrassed about. I work hard. I've given my girls a pretty good life. But there are a lot of things in my recent past that are hard to explain. Then this thought hit me (right before I took a much needed/much wanted nap): My life has been like a road. Yes I know it is a cliched way to explain things, the much travelled highway and all. After the triplets were born I wanted to travel down the road of being a stay-at-home Mom. I got to do that for awhile. And I didn't want it to end. When I separated from my ex I still tried to travel down that road. I used all my energy and effort to continue down that road. I tried dating people I thought might let me go down that road. I tried everything to continue down that road even when it wasn't possible anymore. The road was turning and I didn't want it to so I kept running into the guardrail. I'd hit it, take a few steps back, then run into it some more. I tried so hard even to the detriment of everyone around me. I'd just keep going back and running into that guardrail. And blaming everyone because the road had turned and no one was helping me go straight. I was mad because I thought no one could see that the road was still straight but me. Everyone around me was telling me it was time to turn but I just didn't listen. Then something interesting happened. I stopped. And realized the road had turned. At first I went along with the bend in the road. Thinking if I turned down the road just a little then I could back up and go down the road I wanted. So little by little I started to follow the bend in the road. It was hard. I worked and struggled and worried. Curiously I noticed as I followed the bend things got easier. I discovered I kind of liked following the bend. I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. I noticed that I was a strong person. And living life following the bend felt good.

Now I'm following a different road. And I'm proud of myself for how far I've come. Proud of myself for finally realizing that the road I'm following is new and different and totally ok. I know my girls will look back on this time and realize the progress I've made for them. The road I'm following isn't mapped out anymore. It's free and open to all sorts of possibilities. I now realize that not knowing where this road is taking me is a good thing. I'll just continue to follow it and (cliche approaching) enjoy the ride.

My article

I completed my article. Can I tell you the thrill I got by hitting the send button to the editor of the magazine? I'm just hoping she likes it. I could have written 12 pages. Trying to limit it to 1000 words was really hard. I'm kind of wordy when I talk. Even more so when I write. My article is on finding the right childcare center for your child. I've been doing childcare for years now. Truly I love my job. And the place I work at is really great. I just wish I got paid a bit more money and had some benefits such as health insurance. I like the people I work with. And I have a great class. It's been nice to find a place to stay at. It will be one year in March. Interesting when I talk to people I haven't seen in awhile. I usually get the same question-"where do you work now?" I may have hopped around a bit but it took awhile to find a place that fit. My boss has been so wonderful about me being a single parent. She is understanding. And my girls like coming with me to work in the morning. The best part has been my shift switch. I now work 7:30 to 3:30. The girls come with me to work in the morning and have breakfast. That means one less meal to worry about! At 8:30 I take my lunch break and drive my girls to school. I don't take a lunch break in the afternoon. My boss lets me take a 10 to fix my lunch and then I just eat at naptime. By 3:30 I am done. I leave to pick up the girls from school and we are finished! I used to work until 5:30-6 p.m. Now having that extra 2 plus hours in the evening has made a huge difference in my family life. My girls aren't tired anymore. We are done with homework and dinner by 6. I can't begin to tell you how life changing this is!!

Next on the horizon is to move! I took this apartment last year very quickly. With the foreclosure I didn't get much time to vacate my old house. This place was available and didn't take much money upfront to get into. It hasn't been too bad. It's just that we are on the second floor and it is almost impossible to keep the girls quiet so as not to bother our neighbor. I want to move closer to the girls' school and to work. I want to find something on the first floor. So that is my next challange. I want to do this right so that the girls and I can stay for awhile. Someplace to start growing roots.

Cindy

Alright Cindy. I changed the blog picture again. Much more updated. I pick up new pictures from Walgreens tomorrow so I will be able to add new pictures.

Julie and Julia

The girls are with their Dad this weekend so I decided to watch Julie and Julia from OnDemand. It's the story of a writer who decided to blog her way through Julia Child's cookbook. And in the process she found a way to turn her blog into a career. Ever since I started my blog I wanted to turn this into something more than just my ideas and my life with my most favorite people (my girls). I have had this desire to write since I was working on my Masters degree at U of L. One comment I received over and over again from my professors was how well I could put my ideas on paper. And that my writing had "voice". Basically I simply wrote how my thoughts came from my head. That's how I write here too. I take my ideas and write them as if I was talking to someone in my living room.

Now here's the really cool thing about my blog. I'm getting to take this writing desire and write an article for a local magazine. I am so very excited about this. And I'm getting paid! Not that that is ever my reason to write. I write because I love it. But now someone thinks my ideas and experiences are worth being paid for. I'm beyond thrilled. Now that I am offically online at home (after a year and a half) I can continue to write on this blog on a more regular (daily) basis. Just think everyone, you too can hear from little ole me everyday!!!