My Nephew's Graduation

Evan graduated high school.  The Little Guy.  Mighty Mouse.  Evan Schmvan with the Meatball Butt.  I can't believe it.  Where did the time go?  That amazing little man that I held for the first time almost 18 years ago.  The little boy I took everywhere.  To Minnesota and Canada.  Movies.  Dinner.  Shopping.  Sleepovers.  That amazing little boy that had my heart from day one.  He is now ready to go to college. 

I often feel badly that once Megan came I didn't quite have so much time for him.  Then when Abby, Brigid, and Caroline came, Evan had to go to the end of the line.  I missed a lot of his growing up time.   Lost track of some of his life as he got older.  There is always guilt.  (I'm me.  Can't help it).

I think Evan is an amazing young man.  He leaves for college in August.  EKU.  He'll be hours away.  And I will feel sad that he is gone.  I think this young man will go far if he sets his mind to it. Farther than I think he is aware of.  That old cliche holds true: 

Evan, the world is your oyster.

FYI:  Evan graduated on June 5th. What would have been my Dad's 72nd birthday.  I know Papa was beaming from Heaven. 

Congrats.  I love you.

Getting ready to go onstage.

Brigid

Brigid in back, Marissa, Ana, and Abby

Getting engraved dog tags

Evan, Ana, and Erik-such a beautiful family (Cindy, where in the heck were you in this pic?)

Megan, Evan, me, Brigid, Abigail, and Caroline 

(poor Megan always looks so cute in her pics and then there are the squirrelly girls)

Brigid-or That Girl Did It Again

Brigid was screaming from the shower, "Mom I'm bleeding!!" I looked and saw that Brigid tried to shave her legs and cut herself in the process. Four bandages later as we are talking about never using a razor she proudly shows off how she managed to shave both arms and was almost done with one leg. Brigid turns 7 on the 28th and has pretty much given me all my gray hair.  Guessing I need to put my razor up higher...

OCD

I have OCD. 

My OCD is not the cliched problem that everyone thinks they have if they clean a lot.  Some days I think I would love to have my house that clean!

I have a lot of checking/re-checking habits.  I first realized I had OCD while watching Phil Donahue in 1990.  He had several people on who struggled with OCD.  I remember sitting in front of the TV in my room and bawling.  It was the first time I had heard what OCD was.  And I was relieved to hear that others suffered from the same thing. 

My family never realized that I had a problem because for the most part I hid it very well.  I used to stand in front of the stove after everyone went to bed and make sure all the knobs were lined up "right" before I could go to bed.  It was no uncommon for me to stand there for 2 hours making sure everything was right before I could go to bed.  I would be crying, desperate to go to bed but I just couldn't.  I made sure all the light switches were in their right positions.  I would do certain ticks with my throat/tongue.  There were certain ways I had to drive my car to ensure that I didn't hit anyone.  It was overwhelming.  It is hard to explain to people that I had to do these rituals and checking or someone in my family would die.  I knew in my head that I should just get over it.  Just go to bed.  Just stop.  I couldn't.  I felt like I had the fate of my family in my hands.  At least that is what I thought. 

I also have Trichotillamania.  http://www.trich.org/   Compulsive hair-pulling.  At one point in middle school I had twirled and pulled my hair so much in the back that it looked like I had burned  my hair off.  I still struggle with it today if I get particularly stressed.  Depending on what stress is in my life I will sometimes have no eyebrows. 

I realize that this sounds ridiculous but after watching the OCD Project on VH1 ( http://www.vh1.com/shows/the_ocd_project/series.jhtml I decided that I wanted friends and family to see that sufferers are real and not crazy.  After years of therapy and medication I can say that I am free of almost every ritual I had.  It's amazing how much better my life is now that I sought to treat my OCD. 

It is a real disorder and not something "all in my head."

http://www.ocfoundation.org/

I'm feeling better

Ok. 

So I've calmed down. 

I worked six hours today on my day off.   Not too bad actually.  I have a new classroom and it feels so nice.  Now I just have to do bulletin boards on Monday during naptime and it will feel much better.  The room I am in is twice the size of my old room.  It feels really nice. (I know I keep repeating myself.  I can't help it.  It feels really nice.)

I've made dinner for myself.  Tomatoes and mozzarella with balsamic vinegar and italian dressing, bagels, and proscuitto.  If I keep this up I may very well end up weighing 400 lbs.  I am very much an emotional eater.  I need to feel like I am pampering myself and this dinner will do the trick.  My kiddos won't eat this so it is my duty, my calling to consume this. 

Ok.  I think I may be getting slap-happy.  I'm thinking all that extra work may have done it.

I really know how to live things up on a Saturday night, don't I??

I can't ever come up with a clever post title...

Headed off to work today.  On a Saturday.  I did volunteer.  I'm moving my classroom to a bigger room so this is a good thing.  It's just that I feel my me time slipping away.  I of course have a mountain of laundry and a messy house.  I always do.  The only thing that changes is what is in the laundry pile and what crap I pick up off of the floor.  I'm having work friends over for a potluck on Friday.  I wanted us to get together outside of work.  I think it makes us better co-workers if we realize that we all have lives outside of the school building.  I really want to get the house put together before Friday.

I'm a little aggravated at the ex today.  Our settlement says I pick up kiddos when it is my time to receive them.  Not a problem.  I have to be at work by 7 a.m.  In order for me to do that I would have to pick up the girls by 6 a.m. on Monday morning now that they aren't in school anymore.  I asked the ex if he would bring the girls to my work/Megan's camp on Monday.  His response?  You can pick them up Sunday evening.  He said he had to be to work earlier than usual on Monday and that it is just too hard to drop the girls off and be to work on time.  Really?  Because that is what I do everyday of my life.  And I have us where we need to be by 7 A.M.  When I said that I really need my time alone and if I pick them up early I don't get all the time I need to get things done he responded with "that's ok, I'm taking them on vacation next week.  You can get your me time then."  This just royally pisses me off.  I don't get much alone time at all.  And yes we can get into the argument that I wanted this divorce, this is my fault, yada, yada, yada.   But damn.  When does this crap end?  I am trying to be flexible with him.  This benefits both of us.  I just wish he would think sometimes before he opens his mouth.   I put myself on the back burner all the time.  All the time.  I'm making more of an effort to do things for me so that I don't end up being the worn-out martyr that I often think my Mom was.  I want my girls to realize that I am a human being who needs friends, time to myself, and that sometimes Momma has to come first.  I try really hard to make sure that my weekends off are used to catch up on things, but to also squeeze some time in there for me.  It's looks like I won't get that this weekend.

(By the way?  I own this book.)

I'm griping here. 

Not feeling very positive. 

Trying really hard. 

It's not working.