Thank you

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, kindness, and amazing words I have received in the last few days. I want to thank everyone for their uplifting, thoughtful words on this blog. I only ever started this blog to put my own ideas out there in cyberspace. I wanted to put my own voice to my everyday actions. When I wrote my sadness about my sister is was, for me, a way to deal with everything. I couldn't believe my eyes when I started seeing all these comments on my blog. I am truly grateful that all you kind souls took the time out of your busy lives to offer my girls and I some very heartfelt words. I have read each and every entry at least twice. When I'm feeling sad it's helps to sit down and read your words.

Losing my sister has been harder than I ever thought. I still can't believe she is gone. Someone on here posted that even though I had no contact with her there was still HOPE that she would get better and come back into our lives. I never hated my sister. I hated her actions. It's a fine line. This disease had such a hold on her that she couldn't see past it. She couldn't see HER good and worth.

I've been busy trying to put together a service for her that would honor the good about Lisa. We are having a small service at St. Bernadette's parish center in their chapel. The new church hasn't been built yet so there is little room for everyone. It is March 11 at 6:30 p.m. Lisa was not Catholic but I am. My priest felt it best to honor Lisa in some small way so that is what I intend to do. I'm trying to put together pictures to display at the service. The girls will be writing their own words about Aunt Lisa and the priest will read them aloud at the service.

I've written the obituary and it should be in Sunday's paper- The Courier-Journal. It should be online as well by then. Unfortunately the cost of this obituary was almost prohibitive. As a single Mom I just couldn't afford the obit I truly wanted for Lisa. As it stands now it is over $100. So I'll just continue to use my blog as a way to honor Lisa with my words.

Having the day off yesterday allowed me to gain some perspective in all this. I often wondered how relatives of people who committed such heinous crimes could still support their loved ones. How on earth could they separate their loved ones from their horrible actions? And now I know in a small way. My brother could not see past Lisa's actions. I believe Lisa was more than just her actions. I haven't forgotten the terrible things she did to my parents. I've just forgiven her. It wouldn't be very Catholic of me to hold that anger in and not see that Lisa was truly a good person making bad decisions. We all would be in a sad state if no one ever forgave us for our sins. Lisa was a kind person at heart and that is how I will choose to remember her.

In lieu of flowers I am asking that people send donations to Exceptional Equitation in LaGrange, KY. Their website is www.exceptional-equitation.org Shelly Prete is the owner. She was the teacher in the autism classroom at Field Elem. I used to work with her. Her farm is devoted to helping children with special needs. She has 10 horses and uses them in therapy. There were two times in Lisa's life when she she felt free of her demons. While creating with ceramics and while riding horses. Megan lives for horses. I tried to figure out a way to incorporate all of this into something good so I came up with a way to blend Lisa's joy with my children and came up with this. I'm hoping this is a fitting tribute to the person that was Lisa.

Again my heartfelt thanks to everyone. You have made this journey just a bit easier to make.

The obituary

I'm sitting here at Starbuck's trying to write my sister's obituary. I just can't seem to do it. I don't know what words to put down to explain her life. What do I write that would be a fitting tribute to her life? And today I am feeling very selfish. I dropped the girls off at school and am waiting to see the priest about the service for Lisa. But really do I deserve to be this sad? All the teachers at the girls' school have been hugging me and asking me what they can do for me. Again I ask: do I deserve to be this sad? I didn't have any contact with Lisa. MY CHOICE. Not hers. She tried and tried to get back into our lives. Since I stopped communicating with her do I really deserve all the sadness and prayers that everyone is giving? It seems somewhat hypocritical. I didn't speak to her so should I be treated like anyone else who lost a sister? Am I a martyr? Poor pitiful me. I lost my sister. I feel like I lost my sister a long time ago.

And I keep saying this:

I miss my sister.

The one I knew who loved my children. Who loved her nieces and nephews. Who had such a wicked sense of humor. The one who loved to cuss like a sailor. The one who could make me laugh (and cry) like no one else. Everything she did during the almost two years she lived with us. Taking what little money she made at McDonald's and Papa Murphy's pizza and spending it ALL on my girls. She would come home with some sort of little trinket for each one of the girls. She knew Brigid loved Dollies so she would comb the Goodwill stores for them. She looked everywhere for CareBears for Caroline. Knew that Abigail loved piggies and Ariel. And would talk endlessly with Megan about being a good big sister and about riding horses. She loved Evan and Ana and it hurt her soul that she couldn't see them. Se loved my brother. She really did. And it hurt beyond all meaning that she had no contact with him. And she would talk about Mom and Dad. And how low she felt at all she had done to them. I think people often thought she had no feelings or regret about the actions she had taken. They thought she had no guilt and was unfeeling about stealing my father's medicine when he was dying. About pawning my parents jewelry to buy drugs. But I would sit with her until the morning as she cried. She did feel. She did care. And it hurt her deeply. So I imagine when she was sitting in her apartment on Sunday and holding those pill bottles in her hand that she was thinking of all she had done. She was thinking the only way to finally feel nothing was to die. And that makes me truly sad. Because she couldn't or didn't see there was more good to her then she knew. That in her last moments here on Earth she thought she was a failure.

And now I think I may have just written her obituary.

Lisa

My sister is dead. Boy is that a hard thing to type. Really it is an even harder thing to say. Lisa has died. A dear friend came by my work today to tell me. The coroner thinks it was suicide.

Damn. Fuck. Damn.

I knew this would happen. This wasn't the first attempt she has made to take her own life. But it was certainly the most successful.

Please excuse me if I insult anyone with my thoughts. I'm not trying to. I'm just letting the words flow as they enter my head.

Hell, this is my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

No, I'm not cracking up. I just find that when I am feeling really bad I write and then I don't feel so bad anymore. Maybe if I put all these thoughts down then they won't have the power to make me feel sad anymore.

I posted here not too long ago about the troubles I knew she was having. I asked for prayers and now I'm asking for them again. And not for myself. And not for Lisa. She is in Heaven now. I truly believe that. She is not in pain anymore. Not tortured or sad or depressed or anything. She is at peace. I ask them for everyone who has wondered why. Why did this beautiful, smart, warm. loving, caring woman not know how to find peace here on Earth? Why? Why weren't we able to get through? Why couldn't she see how much we loved her and cherished her and wanted her to be around? Why? I can't help but feel sadness and anger that she just couldn't get it. I MISS HER. I LOVE HER. AND SHE IS NOT HERE!

I'm just so very sad. I'll get through this. I've gotten through everything else. And I'll survive this too. I'm a survivor.

As I pointed out to more than a few people today I now will have to write a third obituary for someone in my family. I did it for Mom and Dad. And now I get to do it for Lisa.

Prayers....