I'm sitting here at Starbuck's trying to write my sister's obituary. I just can't seem to do it. I don't know what words to put down to explain her life. What do I write that would be a fitting tribute to her life? And today I am feeling very selfish. I dropped the girls off at school and am waiting to see the priest about the service for Lisa. But really do I deserve to be this sad? All the teachers at the girls' school have been hugging me and asking me what they can do for me. Again I ask: do I deserve to be this sad? I didn't have any contact with Lisa. MY CHOICE. Not hers. She tried and tried to get back into our lives. Since I stopped communicating with her do I really deserve all the sadness and prayers that everyone is giving? It seems somewhat hypocritical. I didn't speak to her so should I be treated like anyone else who lost a sister? Am I a martyr? Poor pitiful me. I lost my sister. I feel like I lost my sister a long time ago.
And I keep saying this:
I miss my sister.
The one I knew who loved my children. Who loved her nieces and nephews. Who had such a wicked sense of humor. The one who loved to cuss like a sailor. The one who could make me laugh (and cry) like no one else. Everything she did during the almost two years she lived with us. Taking what little money she made at McDonald's and Papa Murphy's pizza and spending it ALL on my girls. She would come home with some sort of little trinket for each one of the girls. She knew Brigid loved Dollies so she would comb the Goodwill stores for them. She looked everywhere for CareBears for Caroline. Knew that Abigail loved piggies and Ariel. And would talk endlessly with Megan about being a good big sister and about riding horses. She loved Evan and Ana and it hurt her soul that she couldn't see them. Se loved my brother. She really did. And it hurt beyond all meaning that she had no contact with him. And she would talk about Mom and Dad. And how low she felt at all she had done to them. I think people often thought she had no feelings or regret about the actions she had taken. They thought she had no guilt and was unfeeling about stealing my father's medicine when he was dying. About pawning my parents jewelry to buy drugs. But I would sit with her until the morning as she cried. She did feel. She did care. And it hurt her deeply. So I imagine when she was sitting in her apartment on Sunday and holding those pill bottles in her hand that she was thinking of all she had done. She was thinking the only way to finally feel nothing was to die. And that makes me truly sad. Because she couldn't or didn't see there was more good to her then she knew. That in her last moments here on Earth she thought she was a failure.
And now I think I may have just written her obituary.
My Life in a Nut Shell
3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.