I just hollered that at my children this evening. Tonight I can't handle one more problem. I am officially spent. My financial worries have, of course, been in the back of my mind. I received so much help to catch up that I am overwhelmed by friends' generosity. That helps to remove a lot of my stress. I still don't get why people want to help. I am grateful for the Blessings God has given me through others.
Yet tonight I am officially spent.
Here's how this week has gone. I took the girls to a magic show on Monday at the library. The girls enjoyed it and Brigid got to help the magician do a magic trick. ((a little foreshadowing)) I'm still trying to maintain the apartment so there was some laundry catch up and cleaning. We went swimming at our apartment pool.
Tuesday was my fabulous unemployment orientation class. 3 plus hours of learning how to be unemployed taught by a man who looked and acted suspiciously like cousin Eddy from the Vacation movie. I then went to my nut doctor to pick up my meds. You know, when you are crazy you need some help to get through things. I had to kill 45 minutes waiting for the nurse to come back from lunch so I kicked around Burlington Coat Factory looking at things I can't buy. We went swimming again. This time Megs wanted to spend the night with a friend in our complex so I said ok.
The rest of the evening was kinda like the If You Give a Mouse a Cookie series of books. If Momma spends time outside she'll need allergy medicine. If she takes allergy medicine it will make her tired. If she is tired she'll want to go to bed early. If she goes to bed early she will fall asleep. If she falls asleep the phone will ring. It will be her daughter on the other end crying because she watched a scary movie at said friend's house and wants to come home. When the daughter comes home she'll want to sleep in bed with you. If she sleeps in bed with you it will cause insomnia. When Momma gets up she will kill two hours on the computer looking at friends' vacation pics. If she stays up long enough her allergies will kick in and she'll need to take some allergy medicine. If she takes allergy medicine she will fall asleep.
So now we are on fabulous Wednesday and Abby's therapy appointment. I had to take all 4 kiddos with me this time. The girls' Dad showed up. So I got to spend an entire hour cooped up in a small room with my ex, 4 kids, and the therapist. Wee. By the end of the hour I was so frustrated that I asked that the next session be with just Megan and I and that the girls' Dad can come on his own with the girls. I've been divorced for SEVEN years. I don't want to go to family therapy with my ex. BTDT. It didn't work the other times we tried it. Why would it work when I'm not even married to him anymore. My favorite comment of the year was when he actually said he understood why I needed breaks sometimes because he needs breaks from the girls. Excuse me?? You get FOUR days out of the month with them and sometimes 2 hours on Wed. evening and you need a break? Try doing two weeks in a row without a break and then we'll talk. I don't usually talk about my ex on here in a negative way but that just royally pissed me off. I don't think he could do two weeks in a row. Most of the weekends in the summer he brings them back after 36 whopping hours. What do you call the 26 DAYS a month you don't have the kids???
DUDE!! THAT'S YOUR BREAK!!!
A friend sent us money to use for something fun, some for bills, and the rest for school supplies. So I took the girls to see Snow White and the Huntsman. We went to the 10:45 a.m. showing so we only paid $5 a ticket. Much cheaper than if we went any other time. We were almost late because the ex would not stop talking in the therapy appt. Megan started out crabby when she found out she was going to have to go to a therapy meeting with just her Dad. So that made her grouchy the entire day. After the movie we went to Bob Evans so we could use the birthday coupons the girls got. So that's FOUR free meals. All I had to pay for was my meal and tip. Phew. We get home and the girls want to swim at the pool. This time we take the two sisters who live in our complex that Megan almost spent the night with on Tuesday. My girls managed to invite the sisters to spend the night. I said that was fine. I keep thinking that this is my girls' opportunity to have a fun filled summer too. After swimming, all the girls came home to pizza for dinner. It was the usual: cheese. Caroline is a vegetarian and Brigid and Megan won't eat anything but cheese. Well the two sisters got quite upset that it didn't have pepperoni on it and it wasn't thin crust so they refused to eat it. They wanted me to make something else for them. Now if this had been a dietary issue I would have made something else for them. In this house my girls know you eat what's served or you don't eat. I'm not a short order cook. The only times I make changes to the meal is to accommodate Caroline's vegetarianism or Abby's heartburn issues. Since I wouldn't make anything else, the girls left to go home. I was livid. Megan was so upset. To make her feel better I had her call another friend to come over. In the meantime the sisters' Mom called and was mortified at her children's behavior. I felt badly that she was upset but thankful that she called. I told her not to worry about it. Truly.
Fast forward to today (Thursday). I took 6 girls bowling today. www.kidsbowlfree.com allows you to register for 2 free games per day of bowling all summer long. It was a long drive down Dixie Hwy. to get to the place that offered the free games. 5 of the 6 girls had a blast! Me included!! I forgot how much fun bowling could be! Megs of course was such a crab that I wouldn't buy all kinds of food at the bowling alley that she bitched and complained the entire time. I finally made her sit out for awhile. On the ride home, one of our guests got an upset tummy and threw up all over herself and my van. By the third vomit, I arrived at her Mom's house. Poor girl and poor Mom! The rest of us get home and get into our swimsuits for yet another swim. This time I left Megan at home. She was such a pill at bowling that I didn't want to reward her with something fun afterwords. What a disaster that turned out to be. Let's just say I'm not too proud of her behavior. After swimming we come home, the extra guest gets picked up, and I cook dinner.
I gotta tell ya. Just typing this has made me worn out. What the hell am I doing to myself? I can't provide everything for these girls all the time. I'm not a magician. I can't fix things for everyone. I can't make everyone happy. I can't be all things to everyone. I can't fix Caroline's bruised knee or itchy eyes. I can't fix Megan's mood swings or ever be enough for her. I can't video Brigid's audition for the Disney Channel competition on Shake It Up. I can't fix Abigail's pig tails or find her Mousey. I can't. I can't keep getting to 10 p.m. and then realize I haven't done a thing for myself except eat and go to the bathroom. I can't pull rabbits out of hats or scarves out of my mouth. I can't make things disappear or reappear. I can't mend broken friendships or fix someone's hurt from the divorce. I can't make my ex a part of THIS family anymore. I can't. I know I'm supposed to look at things positively and look on the bright side. But what if the bright side isn't so bright? What if the magic isn't there to keep running at full speed all day long everyday? Do other parents feel this way? Is this just a single parent thing?
I know I will get up tomorrow and jump into my day just like I do every other day. It's with the hope that just this day, this morning, this afternoon will be magical and I will be able to meet my children's every need and desire. That I will be enough for them. That God will guide me through my day and help me find the strength to keep going and not want to go screaming out the front door and never come back. There is that hope that this time I will be able to pull the rabbit out of the hat, that scarves will magically come out of my mouth, that I will make the quarter disappear and reappear out from behind my daughter's ear.
That my children will someday notice I put myself last and be appreciative of everything I've done for them.
My Life in a Nut Shell
3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.