Laundry

I suspect if I go back through the last 4 years on this blog I will find many posts about laundry.  It is so damn time consuming.  I'm overwhelmed by it.  My girls have been on this planet for 11 and 8 years.  Ever since they could understand I have tried to impress upon them just how much I hate laundry.  Therefore PLEASE only wear one outfit a day.  We are not hosting the Oscars so we do NOT need 5 outfit changes a day.   They are just not getting it.  I've spent the entire weekend doing laundry.  Including bed linens and I'm still not done.  By the way exactly why do we call them bed linens?  My sheets are not made of linen.  I should just refer to them as cheap ass cotton bed attire.  There.  That sounds better. 

How is it possible for 4 small young ladies to go through so much clothing???  I can give you a hint.  It's because those lovely young ladies hate cleaning anything up.  It's like asking them to do 45 math worksheets in an hour.  They moan and groan and bitch and complain.  So instead of cleaning up they take whatever is on the floor and put it in the dirty clothes thereby creating MOUNTAINS of laundry for me to do on the weekends. 

Ain't no mountain high enough?  Diana Ross never came to my house and saw the laundry baskets in the hallway.  There's a mountain that would keep her from her one true love.

I have so much laundry my children seem to mistake it for some cozy place to sleep.

Anyway I am tired of doing laundry.  I have decided that when I win the lottery or when I marry Brad Pitt I am going to hire a laundry person whose sole job will be to wash the laundry, fold the laundry, and put it away.  The only thing I want to do with my laundry is wear it.

Of course only ONE outfit a day.  I don't want to wear my laundry doer out. 

What the hell did I eat yesterday?

I had a dream last night that has stuck with me all day.  After my divorce, I fell in love with someone that not many people know about.  I really thought he was it.  I really did.  And it turned out he wasn't.  I think of him every so often.  Last night I had a dream about him.  He  proposed.  I was so filled with joy that someone loved ME and all that I am.  It felt so good.  Then I woke up.  I can't shake that feeling in the dream last night.  Now I realize I really am lonely.  How can I be lonely in a house full of people???? 

Man this sounds like a pity party doesn't it? 

So I did something stupid.  I dialed his number.  And a woman answered.  I made a stupid excuse that I had dialed the wrong number and hung up.  What a complete moron I am.  I'm not sure why I'm telling you this.  I think it's because, one, I put it all out there.  Two, that dream really has stuck with me.  I'm learning that God has a plan for us but I'm getting kind of impatient with this plan.  Daggone am I going to spend my life alone?  Is this what I am destined to do?  Even frickin' Noah paired up animals two by two on the Ark.  What the hell happened here?  Crap.  My friend put a  link on my FB wall this evening.  Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HI_xFQWiYU&feature=share

Listen to the words.  Really weird.  I'm not sure why she chose to post this link but it goes in line with that stupid dream I had.  I've been on match.com for awhile to really no success.  I'm not that fabulous on paper.  I may not be that fabulous in real life either.  I'm kinda quirky.  Not many men want to date quirky. Quirky with a lot of kids.  Oh and let's not forget fat.  Oh and there are those tattoos. There's also the minivan.  And I'm a liberal democrat.  And a Catholic. 

Quirky.  I'd make a great sidekick on TV.  You know all the georgeous woman on TV have a quirky sidekick.  Even on the Wizards of Waverly Place (I'm a kid TV expert) Alex Russo has Harper.  Just call me Harper. 

It's a good thing I have so many kids or else I could totally see myself as the crazy cat lady. 

If it ain't broke don't fix it

For some reason that title sends the teacher in me to crazy town.  I have to agree with it.  I'm a change kind of person.  I like change.  I thrive in change.  Like my hair color.  It's pretty much been every color under the sun.  I change it on a whim.  I'm still trying to get up the nerve to add a little blue or pink.  Something about a 43 year old with pink hair might smack of despiration.  I'm still wanting that eyebrow piercing.  I'm wondering if that will help the OCD or make it worse.  I rearrange my furniture all the time.  I like change.  So I changed my blog again.  Just keeps it interesting.

Let me know what you think.

Not much else going on here on the homefront.  I did a lot of picking up this weekend.  And a LOT of quiet.  I went the whole weekend without turning the TV on.  I used to shake my head when my Mom used to tell me that as soon as we left for school she would turn the TV off.  Now I understand.  No radio, TV, nothing that causes noise.  My noise tolerance meets its quota after two straight weeks with the girls. 

I spent an hour with the babies today at work.  You know it's a good thing God knew what He was doing when He made me infertile.  I fed four babies today, changed diapers, burped them.  And played.  If I wasn't infertile I could very well see myself as Michelle Duggar.  With 20 kids.  There is an especially yummy little boy in the infant room who is about 9 weeks old.  Everytime I feed him I just melt.  This may very well be why I do what I do everyday.  I make almost no money (grammatical error there again).  But what I get from the children at my preschool, and better yet from my own children, makes me feel wealthier than any person I know.  I get JOY in doing what I do.  Pure and utter JOY.  My soul is fed by what I do.  How many people can say that?  I've often thought a lot about switching careers to something that would provide my family with a better standard of living.  Then I spend an hour with these babies that I am BLESSED to take care of and I know I'm right where I should be.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

The Zoo (no not the one I live in)

It's been an incredibly busy week at work. No time for blogging. Friday evening finished out the week with a 10 1/2 work day so the goal last night was to treat my girls to a fun evening. That meant the World's Largest Halloween Party at the Louisville Zoo. Of course we got a late start but the girls were thrilled to find out that trick or treating could last until 9:30. That's right ladies and gents, 2 1/2 hours of trick or treating at the zoo after a 10+ hour work day. Geez. It was incredibly crowded but we had so much fun! Here's a little peek:

 

Momma and Abigail

Caroline with attitude

Brigid as a Spanish dancer.  Some days there are no words to describe this young lady.  I'll let the picture do the talking. 



That's it in a nutshell.  My week.

I'm stuck.

That seems to be a pretty defined issue I have in my life.  Getting stuck.  Sunday's assignment for Bible study was the Book of Ruth and Samuel 1 and 2.  I can't seem to get through Samuel.  I've read the same few verses over and over again.  I suppose this is why Bible study is an ongoing thing.  It has to be to continue to understand and get the word of God.  I'm impatient and don't like to be stuck.  This has been a struggle.  Last night after Bible study I felt somewhat drained.  I think it is because the Old Testament is a build up to Jesus.  Lots of foreshadowing.  Lots of drama.  Lots of negativity with people having made really bad decisions like ignoring God's voice.  I try really hard not to ignore his voice but let's be honest.  We all ignore God at one point or another.  No matter how hard we try to listen.  Maybe in getting stuck in Samuel I am somehow trying to ignore God.  That's why it's been so hard to get through that part.  I'm facing my own ignorance.  That's a hard pill to swallow.

I've spent this weekend getting stuck in my past.  It was my 25th high school reunion.  I got to spend my evening having people have no idea who I was.  I was a dork in high school.  I may have mentioned that.  I lived with parents who really seemed to prefer that I not date, go out, or otherwise have a social life.  I'm working hard not to raise my children that way.  School is much more than an academic setting.  It's a social setting.  So if my girls want to do something friend-related, I'm all for it.   Instead of being my usual outgoing self on Saturday I reverted back to that shy, quiet, meek girl who felt intimidated by everyone one around me.  I'm mad at myself for feeling that way.  I was stuck. 

Here I am.  A big floral nightmare.  Why didn't I bring my social self Saturday night?  Why did I feel so intimidated??  Maybe it's the extra 75 lbs I'm carrying.  (Notice the artfully cropped photo.)  Or maybe it's because I never felt on the same level with these wonderful ladies.  Saturday night just made me feel that way all over again.  Stuck.  When am I ever going to put away the old memories of my former self and move on?

 How do I unstick myself?

Closing my eyes and listening with my HEART to God is what I need to do.  And fast. 

There goes my illusion of perfection...

No I don't have it all together.  I'm not the perfect person.  I just play one on TV.

I took the wrong kid to a therapy appointment today.  I thought I had Abby's name on the calendar.  It turns out it was supposed to be Megan.  Crap.  I was 20 minutes late to the appointment to start with because I worked late.  The morning started out bumpy at work.  I was told I was blunt.  Me?  Blunt?  Could be.  It's a trait I have developed over time from holding my opinions to long.  I spent a lot of years being a meek little mouse.  No more.  Divorce will do that to you.  So will the loss of your Mom, Dad, Sister, sanity, and dignity.  I've had to spend a lot of time fighting for myself and fighting for my kiddos. 

Blunt?  You betcha.  Thanks for the compliment.

My lovely neighbors offered to watch the other 3 kiddos so I could take Abby uninterrupted.  We get there and I discover it should have been Megan.  What a dumbass.  Me, I mean.  After lots of confusion and running around on the therapist's end, she met with us.  Fast forward to about 6:30 and Abby and I run to Target to look for a white button down shirt for Megan that I learn only yesterday she needs for her choir concert tomorrow evening.  And black pants.  Target had ONE shirt in a 6X.  So tomorrow afternoon after work I have to look for a shirt.

Double crap.

My neighbors fed my girls.  And me.  :)

We get home and then Millie and the Millers take over.  Oh you know them.  Those are the children who take over my house when I ask my girls to get ready for bed, school, church.  My girls MILL.  They mill instead of moving.  They mill in the living room, they mill in the micro-kitchen.  No one gets anything done.  Except for milling.  Which is usually followed by fighting.  Between Abby and Megan.  Tonight I told them to have at it.  When you are done killing each other let me know.  That stopped the fighting on Abby's end.  Not on Megan's.  Let's just say Megan is grounded from outside play until Sunday.

And I mean it.

 I think I like Millie Miller waaayyyy better than Muhammad Ali. 

A+

Ok.  I might brag a little.  This single parent of 4 children, who works full-time and gets about 4 days a month to herself, has a child who can do this:

Advanced program.  Math/science/technology magnet program.  Wow.  I think this is fantastic and I am so proud of Megan!  Way to go Megadoo!!!

Adoption Day

HAPPY ADOPTION DAY MEGAN!!  Woo hoo!!!!!

10 years ago today the judge said Megan was ours forever.  She was already ours in our hearts. 

No it wasn't this day:

This picture is me holding Megan for the first time.  That look on my face is me crying such tears of joy and relief.  Not bad gas.  Megan was 1 day old.  We didn't even know about her on the day she was born.  Imagine Megan was on this planet for a whole day before we knew she existed.

No, Adoption Day is the day that we went to court.  Megan was 14 months old.  I still remember that little bald baby running around the courtroom while my parents took videos and the bailiff played with Megan while the judge did her judging business.  There was such a sense of relief after that day.  I knew Megan couldn't be taken away after that.

I feel so Blessed that I am Megan's Mom.  Even when she is beating the crap out of her sisters and sassing me.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one thing.  I love that kid.

I often think of Megan's BirthMother and hopes that she knows how grateful we are to have her in our lives.  I don't really care the reason that she chose to place Megan.  It doesn't matter to me.  I just know that because of her choices I got to be a Mom.  For that I will always hold a special place in my heart for her. 

Always.



Sunday

Another beautiful Bible study with Jeremiah and Cassie!  I feel such peace when I get together with them and talk about God.  Such peace.  It's like all the worries of my life disappear for 2 hours while we study the word of God.  My life, my week, comes together at that time.  It's amazing how the one thing, theme I am struggling with gets answered in 2 hours on Sunday evening.  My gratitude (there it is again!) will never be fully expressed in how thankful I am for Jeremiah and Cassie!!

I had a surprise visit from Liz today.  She is the daughter of Brigid's Godparents.  When I heard the doorbell ring I knew it was the girls coming back early.  Imagine my surprise when I opened the door to see Liz!  We had a lovely visit where I found out she is engaged!!  Woohoo!!  Congrats Liz and John!!!  Fantastic!!!  And amazingly what did Liz bring me???  A cookbook called Dining on a Dime!!  Now how perfect is that????  Do you see how things come together?? 

Tonight we read Exodus 20- The Ten Commandments.  We read Exodus 20:17  "You shall not covet your neighbor's house.  You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male or female slave, nor his ox or ass, nor anything else that belongs to him."  This was in conjunction with Judges 21:25  "In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what he thought best."  This has been my struggle this summer.  In Bible terms I have been coveting.  I see others' vacations, fabulous houses, dinners out, etc. and I covetted.  And I was doing what I thought was best.   But I have to realize that God will provide.  That I need to be grateful for what God has provided for me.  Isn't this amazing?  My whole internal struggle, the reason I left Facebook, was discussed tonight during our Bible Study.  Then look, Liz brings me a cookbook to handle my reduction in food stamps.  God is telling me not to worry, not to look for help in this world.  He will provide.  He provided through Jeremiah and Cassie.  He provided through Liz tonight. 

I can't begin to tell you how personal this evening was for me.  I just hope Jeremiah, Cassie, and Liz know how grateful I am for them.

God is good.

It SUX not having health insurance

Yep.  I work for a small business where they absolutely cannot afford to offer us health insurance.  I know they would if they could.  I choose to work here because it's a great place to work and they absolutely do not bat an eye when I need off for anything going on with my kids.  There aren't many places willing to be that flexible with me.  So the trade off is I don't have health insurance.  The girls are covered through their Dad and state health insurance.  I broke my ankle.  Now I'm in a scramble to find a specialist willing to work with me.  The closest I have found is someone who wants $120 up front for me to be seen.  After that I apply for financial aid through Jewish Hospital.  Sounds great right?  Only I don't have $120.  I don't have $20.  So tomorrow I will begin the process of finding someone else who will see me. 

Since I've always been so honest with you guys I'll offer up the newest fact I found out today.  My food stamps were cut by over $100 a month.  I get to feed my family on $338 a month.  No that's not a typo.  I worked a ton of extra hours over the summer, hours I will not be able to work during the school year.  So not only will I not be making as much money but  the food stamps were cut.  So now my family will starve for only have a month.  It's going to be a Ramen soup kind of eating from now on.  Looks like the second job hunt will begin in earnest.  Well not until this damn ankle heals.  Shit.



That's the end of meals like this.

I'm trying really hard to find my gratitude here.  This makes it difficult.  I suppose the fact that I will now become really creative in what I serve my kids is a positive.  I won't be able to buy any junk food so my waistline will be happy.  I'll be dropping lots of weight because I will be STARVING.  I will become really good at using coupons.  That's a positive.  There's some gratitude in that. 

The ankle gratitude?  Not so much.  Anyone want to throw out some ideas?  

Tired, a recurring theme at Chez Harrigan

I am always tired.  In speaking with a co-worker yesterday, who is an adorable 18 year old, she mentioned that she was tired from studying at U of L.  I pointed out that once you have kids you will ALWAYS be that tired.  I don't know what it means to be well rested.  I don't think my girls know either.

  

Man there are a LOT of sleeping pics of my kids.  I don't know if it's that they are just so adorable when they are asleep or if it's because they are always tired.

Caroline gets a lot of photo coverage.  That's her on the laundry basket, with the ladybug pillow, and curled up in a ball next to the couch.  I finally got her paperwork sent in to the Weiskopf Center at the University of Louisville for Asperger's testing.  I told the ex today and he was upset.  Even though we've discussed this before.  I pointed out that with his ADD and my OCD it would be pretty hard to create children without some initials.  This is where I might also interject that I am grateful I am divorced.

Most of my photos also involve my couches.  The next time I move I'm renting a house with one big bedroom.  So the girls can all sleep together.  No one wants to sleep in their beautiful bedrooms.  The girls do a lot of plotting to figure out who will sleep with who and where the sleeping will take place.  Drives me insane. 

This last picture is one of my favorites.  They are sleeping on the floor in my micro-kitchen.  That night we had several tornado warnings.  The kitchen is our innermost room. 

These girls can sleep anywhere.  Which goes back to my original point.  We are always tired.