Yes!

I needed this reminder this morning.  Funny how God manages to make sure we see things when it's needed:

That's how I'm going into 2012.  I've learned and been through so much that I no longer say "good riddance" to the previous year.  Without the previous year I wouldn't be where I am today.  Good or Bad.  In my head I should have been in a big house in Lake Forest with an adoring husband and maybe 10 kids (ala the Duggars) while I am a stay-at-home Mom.  Instead I'm a single Mom in an apartment with no husband and only 4 kids.  Not what I planned but let's face it.  If I hadn't ended up in this place in life, my Faith would have NEVER increased 100 fold.  There's something to be very thankful for. 

I'm not much for resolutions because mine are basically the same every year.  So instead here are some goals I am pretty sure I can attain:

• attending the Seminary
• taking a trip to Florida over Spring Break to let my sister's ashes go on a beach the way she always wanted
• potty training Petey
• having more fun with girls than should be allowed
• moving/buying a house/condo
• getting in shape

It seems like a lot!!

The girls and I found a condo we really, really want.  I can't buy a house until I'm 3 years out from the sale of my house/foreclosure.  That's Oct. 29 of 2012.  It's for rent.  And I think I can afford the rent for a year.  My lease doesn't end until Apr. 1.  I just have to keep praying that it's God's will that we end up there.  Here's the link:

http://www.homes.com/listing/155152228/LOUISVILLE_KY_40206

I actually lived in that complex when my parents first moved to Louisville in 1983.  The outside isn't much but the inside is gorgeous!!  We love it!

So that's it.  Happy New Year's Eve!!!

Single Parent burnout

I think I might be suffering from it.  I'm tired today.  Pretty much everyday.  I woke up with a killer migraine today.  I'm having a lot of those lately.  It sucks.  I'm still internalizing  everything from work.  I'm trying to let things roll off my back.  It's hard.  Let's be honest.  No one likes to be disliked.  (Thanks Jeremiah).  It hurts.  And just so you know?  When you exclude people from a get together after work?  We notice.  And it hurts our feelings.  'nuff said.

It's been a long day with the girls.  Even though I had a killer migraine I still had to do things around the house.  I had to go to Family Dollar and Kroger.  I'd never been in a Family Dollar until a few months ago.  Now it's my go to place for things like toilet paper and dish soap.  I found 3 shirts in there for me that were $2 and $3 apiece.  ChaChing!  I hit Kroger (the Dirty as our city calls it because it earned that nickname several years ago) and ran into 2 friends from Field and ended up talking with some old lady about the big game tomorrow.  U of L vs. UK.  This city will shut down for a few hours for that game.  I realized AGAIN that I have become my Mother.  I would CRINGE every time I went someone where with my Mom and she would end up talking with anyone anywhere.  I now do the same.

I had the girls pick up the living/dining room and kitchen.  We Petey proofed it.  Then I blocked off the upstairs so Petey can't go up there.  Thanks to that move, Petey only had one accident today and it was by the front door.  He still hasn't figured out how to tell us he needs to go.  With the upstairs blocked off he can't go upstairs and pee, poop, or  chew.  Very successful day for Petey!

I did THREE load of dishes.  I was so behind in the kitchen.  I made lunch and dinner.  Did 3 loads of laundry.  It's been so long since I have been able to just take care of me when I am sick.  No matter what my girls still need things from me during the day.  No one is patient enough with Petey to take him outside so that is my job.  It's easy to see how burnout occurs in single parents.  I imagine it happens to married parents as well.  At least if you are married you can tag team.  If one is out with the dog, the other is cooking dinner.  If one goes to Kroger, the other does laundry.  In theory at least.  Yes I get a weekend off every two weeks (again, in theory).   It's just that for the two weeks leading up to that weekend it is an unending assault on my abilities as a parent.  And call me crazy but I don't want to just do the bare minimum.  My girls need my time.  It's not their fault their parents are divorced.  It's not their fault that their Dad doesn't step up to the plate the way he should and be involved in a PRODUCTIVE, HELPFUL, POSITIVE way.  It's all on me.

It's a good things my girls are so dang lovable.  That fact alone keeps me going.  And I keep replaying a phrase in my head that I heard on a former TLC show "Table For Twelve".  I'm Facebook friends with Betty.  During an interview on the show they made a comment that was something to the effect of "It's not my time right now.  It's their (the children) time.  When they are grown it will be our time."  That is what keeps me going.  It's not my time right now.  So I'll keep getting up everyday and keep going. 

Except for tomorrow.  It's Saturday.  I'm sleeping in.  That translate to about 8 a.m. if I am lucky.

Oh and in Brigid's words, "Happy New Year's Little Eve."

I fell asleep tonight on the couch.  Cuddled with the dog.  While watching Twilight.  Megan was on a date.  No not really.  Had you worried didn't I?  My boss took her to go see Warhorse.  Megan loved it!!  I'm glad that my boss and Megan got the chance to hang out together and see a movie about horses.  I couldn't take the trio to see it.  Too long and not enough cartoon.  :)  I had visions of myself sitting on that couch not too far off in the distant future waiting for Megan to come home from a date.  Not sure I liked it! 

Today was a long day.  Still issues at work.  I still don' think I'm cut out for this.  The best part of the job is getting to interact with all the kiddos.  I really love that part of my job.  I love being with kids.  Kids are much easier to handle than adults.  No hidden agendas.  No gossip.  What you see is what you get.  I LOVE talking with parents about their most favorite little people.  I know I picked the right profession.  Just not sure I'm cut out to handle being the boss. 

We've been pretty busy here in the last several weeks.  Poor Abby cried everyday this week that we weren't getting home in time for her to play with her friends before it got dark.  Finally today it was sunny and we got home at a decent time and then her friends weren't home!!  That poor kid!  So I've promised that we will not go anywhere this weekend so she can play.  Works for me.  I'll be buried under piles of laundry anyway. 

I'm back on a diet plan.  Again.  Here's hoping I can stick to it.  Waaayyyy too much junk food at work this holiday season.  Plus my boss and a few other teachers want to do a Biggest Loser contest.  I'm thinking if we are able to help each other out then maybe this will work.  That and public humiliation with having our weights posted for all of SMCDC to see.  We rented Just Dance 3 from Red Box tonight and I got a really good work out from that.  The girls and I had fun doing it.  One thing is for sure.  I have absolutely no coordination!   I imagine it must be painful to watch me dance.  That's ok.  Poor Caroline is exactly like me.  It's a wonder that we don't injure each other when we dance.

Nothing exciting or epic today.  I kinda like it that way.

Catch you here tomorrow.  Same Bat time.  Same Bat channel.  (good grief.  What a dork.)

Shit Happens

Yes it does.  I've often wondered if my life is a result of the choices I make or I make the choices I do because of what life presents to me.  I seem to have an extraordinary amount of shit that happens.  Here is how my day went today:

I worked from 7:15 a.m. (OK I was late to work so it was 7:21 a.m.) until 5 p.m last Wednesday.  That last hour was off the clock because I was waiting for my little visitor's Mom to call and talk to here at my school.  Instead of just sitting and chatting with my boss I ended up doing some work too.  I can't NOT work at my job.  Drives me nuts. 

Oh did I mention my visitor? Her parents are in Russia meeting their new children they will be adopting in just a few short months.  I volunteered to keep the 4 year old.  I was honored that they agreed to it.  So for 9 days we had 5 kiddos in this house.  2 cats. 1 dog.  And a partridge in a pear tree.

But I digress. 

During my rather lengthy work day I took an hour (damn it was more like an hour and half.  Good thing my boss likes me.) long lunch break to run errands all around this town.  I came home to let the dog pee and then hit a few places to finish up some holiday things. 

After work all 6 of us headed to Target to pick up my high blood pressure meds.  Lord knows why I'm on high blood pressure meds.  Could be the kids...

I then took all 6 of us to the mall.  I had promised the girls we would go to Glitter.  Glitter is an accessories version of the Dollar Tree.  Everything's a dollar and then have every type of accessory known to woman.  My girls like to go there because they can pick anything they want in the store.  Tonight I had promised they each could get ONE item.  That's $5.  Of course once we got there and I saw how excited they were, I upped it to TWO items.  Then it was off to the food court where we had to visit FIVE different restaurants to meet everyone's different mealtime needs.  I swear it took a half hour just to order. 


Here's where the choices thing comes into play.  I couldn't really afford last Wed.  evening.  I should have put that money to use elsewhere.  I need new tags and brakes on my car.  I need to see a doctor for my ankle because I am pretty damn sure I broke my ankle again  at work.  I can barely move my last two toes.  And it is swelling like crazy.  I have so many other needs for that money.  Yet I spent it on trinkets at a dollar store and on dinner.  I keep going back to a statement that Chloe said on her blog (http://www.chloeofthemountain.com/).  "Poor kids need ice cream too."  My girls needed this visit to the mall and I needed to give it to them.  I got lots of hugs and kisses and thank yous.  My little visitor kept saying, "Thank you Ms. Kristina!" 

Here's my favorite part of the evening.  While riding in the car, Abby will often make up songs about what is going on in her life.  Tonight she was singing as was Caroline and Brigid.  Megan sits next to me and tells me how stupid the girls sound.  My little visitor was singing too.  Then Megan said, "Mom listen to M's singing!  M was singing, "I love Harrigan Mother,  I love Harrigan Mother,  She is very pretty and I love her."  

Guess who's heart melted that day.

Sunday was Christmas.  A nice relaxed Christmas.  It was pretty low key.  The girls got new bikes.  What a gift to me to be able to see their smiling faces on Christmas morning when they saw 4 new bikes in my living room.  Who needs a present when you get to see that??  Brigid's favorite gift was a pink guitar.  A nice parent from my school today even tuned it up for her.  Yes she brought it into my school.  She wants to learn to play so I can put a video on youtube ala Justin Bieber. 

Santa also put 3 presents under my tree too.  I was not expecting that.  Needless to say I cried like a baby when I opened the gifts.  A bottle of wine, pink hippo jamas, lotions, and my favorite...aloe infused thermal socks!  In pink no less!!  Happy feet=happy me.  :)

I could not have made this possible if it were not a few wonderful friends from my village.  Thank you Katy, Laurene, Kim, Cindy R. and Cindy B.  God Bless you!!!

At work today I had to say something to a few employees about the way something was being done.  I've been told before that I am too blunt.  I try not to pussyfoot around.  I've had too much go on in my  life to stay quiet anymore.  I refuse too.  I have learned that so much more gets accomplished if I just say what I am thinking more or less.  Well it wasn't taken well and I ended up getting the silent treatment and unkind things said about me to others.  I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a boss.  My feelings get hurt too easily.   I do feel like it was a case of "shooting the messenger".  I understand that as well.  It just hurts when all I'm doing is MY job and I get treated poorly.  It hurts.  And it makes me think I might not be cut out for doing this job.  The worst part is I take it home to my kids.  That's not fair on my part.  Do you know when I realized that?  While eating tacos at dinner.  Petey the dog (who if he eats one more pair of my shoes might be looking for a new home) decided he needed a bite of Brigid's tortilla.  He looked much like the dogs from the movie UP.  The girls were going to laugh but then stopped because I guess they figured I might get mad.  I WAS in a grumpy mood.  Yet I couldn't help but start laughing at the dog and my poor girls' responses to the dog.  We ended up belly laughing over this stupid dog!!!! 

So tomorrow I'm going to get up, put my big girl panties on (have you seen my size??) and go into work and do the best job I can do.  That's all I can do.

Megan was thrilled tonight because I finally figured out how to add minutes to the cell phone Santa gave her.   She (and I) was beginning to think I wasn't going to add minutes to it.  Thank goodness with a phone call and a half hour on the computer, she was able to make a phone call.  Wanna know who it was to?  Go ahead.  Guess.

Her Dad.

Now if I could only figure out how to add music to her MP3 player from the computer.  We are at 2 hours and counting with me trying to do it.  Ugh.  Maybe this weekend.

 

Caroline has a spinal MRI scheduled in January and her appointment with the neurosurgeon.  It's looking more and more like she may have the same Chiari surgery that Brigid had.  At least this time I can do this.  Same surgery, different kid.

I am glad that Christmas is over.  Looking forward to New Year's Eve and the month of January.  As a teacher I always dreaded January because curriculum-wise it was always a bit boring.  As an adult, I look forward to January and new possibilities.  It always feels like a month of hope.  I read on an aol.com news feed that a woman was killed by a hit-and-run driver.  She had, in her pocket, a note that she carried around everyday.  Her bucket list.  She had things on it like "buy a house by 45" or "start a gay and lesbian group home for teens".   I don't think I have a bucket list as much as I have a goal for 2012.  Maybe a few goals.  A new place to live.  Possibly buy a house.  New possiblities.  And as much as I deny it, someone to love and someone to love ME.  I miss being in love with someone.   So here's to praying that 2012 brings me that. 

"I need somebody to love.  I don't need too much, just somebody to love.  Girl I swear I just need somebody to love."

Holy crap I've been listening to waaayyy to much Justin Beiber in the car.

Chiari Girls

That's what Caroline calls herself and Brigid.  Today was the follow-up appt. to establish Brigid's new normal after her Chiari surgery last March.  Dr. Moriarty pulled up Brigid's MRI pictures from yesterday and couldn't stop smiling.  He was very proud of himself.  He should be.  I couldn't believe the difference from her MRI in February right before her surgery.  Her brain looked beautiful!!  NO symptoms at all!  This is exactly what I was praying for!!!  She still has a bit of fluid collection so we will keep on eye on things.  She does not need to have another MRI for an entire year!!  Hooray!!!!  She still has some limits on trampolines and bouncy houses.  No tumbling.  But otherwise a clean bill of health!!    This is where my faith is renewed AGAIN!! 

Caroline on the other hand will have an MRI scheduled.  Her Chiari symptoms are much worse.  She is having exertion headaches almost daily.  I hate that she feels so badly.  Monday she got mad at Abby outside and came running up to while I was outside with Petey.  She stopped, grabbed the back of her head, and started crying.  Apparently these headaches have been going on at school too and she just isn't telling anyone.  Dr. Moriarty said if there has been ANY change in her MRI then we are a go for surgery.  I have mixed feelings.  I DO NOT want Caroline to experience any of the pain poor Brigid had to have.  But I also want Caroline to be healthy.  At this point I'm going to try not to worry too much about anything.  At least we've been through this before and know what to expect.  I won't have as many questions.  Brigid can prepare Caroline for what to expect.  We can handle this again. 

I did experience what has to be a definition of hell today.  Anytime we have an appt. at Dr. Moriarty's I know there will be a long wait.  WE brought snacks, homework, and activities to do.  That was fine for the first 45 minutes in the waiting room.  The hell came from the HOUR stuck back in that little white cubicle they call an examine room.  With 4 girls.  Shit.  We played games, read, did more homework.  We even did what a brilliant triplet Mom suggested we do and we drew on the white paper covering the exam table.  That got us about 45 minutes in but those last 15 minutes were awful!!  Ugh!!  I wish they would put a little TV in there.  Or computer games.  Maybe a recliner and small refrigerator.  Something to help pass the time.  By the time we got home after 2 long hours, I volunteered to take Petey outside just so I could have some decent space around me.  I need to decompress.  The funny thing was each one of the girls separated themselves to different rooms in the house.  They needed the space too!

Now I'm going to ask a favor.  Dear friends leave tomorrow morning for Russia to meet their new children.  They will be gone until next Friday.  Please pray that they have safe travels and that everything goes as planned in Russia.  Please pray for their new children and their child they already have.  Thank you!

Things are Looking Up!

You know I've always said I should never blog when I'm angry or in a pissy mood.  The other night I did both.  I wrote down all the things that have worried me or concerned me in the last few months.  I feel better when I write.  Just sometimes I forget that friends read this.  So I got an amazing outpouring of love and concern.  I'm doing well.  I really am.  It's just that my life isn't easy.  I imagine most people's aren't.  Some have it much easier than others.

My life is a product of both circumstance and choices.  I can't control the fact that my Mom, Dad, and Sister are gone.  I've made some really poor choices, some of which I am still trying to recover from today.  What I can control is how I choose to deal with my circumstances and choices.    My neighbor told me tonight that even after posting my rant last week, my faith still shines through.  And really my faith is what has sustained me through everything.  Faith that God is bigger and better than I could ever imagine.  Faith that God knows what he is doing.  I may not like His choices.  I may not like what I must go through.  But I have the faith that God will provide me with the Grace I will need to get through anything. 

Here in the last few days I am reminded how God provides in ways I would never expect.  From friends, to families I teach, to friends I have never met, my children will be provided for for the holidays.  I know I never ask for anything for myself.  I don't need anything.   I am always, and will always, be concerned about my girls.  I will go to the ends of the earth and back to make sure they have what they need and sometimes what they want.  And I'm thrilled that God is giving me the means, through my own hard work and my friends, to provide for them. 

It may sound cliched and heck, 6 months ago I would have rolled my eyes if I heard someone say "God is good."  How easy is it to spout that?  Many people do but I often have wondered if they just mean that because they have some material item they have always wanted.  When I say God is good I mean that he provides me with an attitude to get through anything.  The ol' "when life hands you lemons" gimmick.  Only it's not a gimmick.  I have made pitcher after pitcher of lemonade.  Thank you God!

And lest you think I've gotten all preachy on you...

Why is it that my dog like ice cubes?  He gets excited every time I crack the ice cube tray.

Caroline convinced me to buy a coconut to drink the milk inside.   Do you know that milk tastes like liquid sweat?

When Caroline was eating blackberries tonight she got ready to squeeze one in her mouth and announced, "Get ready for juice fest 2011!"

Petey the dog likes to pee when he is running up and down my carpeted steps.

Brigid is excited to get her follow-up MRI tomorrow from her Chiari surgery because she gets one on one time with me.

Abby wrote a Christmas song about Baby Jesus.  And told me she likes to fart.

Megan's favorite word is anus.

It's a good thing I have spell check as I tried to spell gimmick gimmich.

Now off to watch Cake Boss. 

Feeling Better

I definitely am a talk it out kind of girl.  Just putting my ideas down on paper computer screen makes me feel better.  My life is always a struggle.  Some days finding my gratitude is hard.  The closest I can come up with is that I got up and breathed. 

I woke up this morning with a headache.  It happens every so often.  I worry that I have a chiari like Brigid and Caroline because of the way my headaches come on in the morning and they often start in the back of my head and travel forward.  It was another tough day at work.  We are Blessedly full with a waiting list but that is making our daily work much harder.  Our teachers have been hit with a lot of sickness lately.  Lots of throwing up.  That is definitely a risk we take in working with little kids.  After 20 some odd years working with kids I am lucky as I have a pretty good immunity built up against a lot of illness.  When teachers are out it falls on the rest of us to pick up the slack.  Again it's something we deal with in working in a small center.

 By the end of the day today my headache had reached epic proportions.  I KNEW something has been up this week because usually several days before the really bad headache I am unbelievably tired.  I left work and sat in my van in tears.  My head hurt so bad!!  I drove to the Walmart grocery store and got fried chicken, cole slaw, mac and cheese, and yogurt for dinner.  I tried really hard not to throw up in the car.

(I am getting somewhere with this story.  I promise.  I'm just wordy.)

I came home and told the girls I was going to lay down with the heating pad.  Here's where my gratitude comes in.  Megan told the girls to let me lay on the couch, Brigid turned the TV down, and Megan got to work in the kitchen making the mac and cheese and getting dinner ready.  She made sure every girl in the house had a dinner plate, took the dog potty, and let me fall asleep.  I sleep for about 45 minutes on the couch surrounded by Petey the dog, Ella the cat, Brigid, Abigail, and Megan while Caroline cozied on the love seat.  Wow.  How can I NOT feel gratitude for having such amazing kids???? 

Tomorrow I may want to scream when I go upstairs and clean their bedrooms.  These are girls who cut their own hair, put chapstick on their butts, play kick the 'gina, and fight with each other.  They are just kids.  But tonight I got a vision of the amazing young ladies I am raising and I KNOW God is at work in our house.   Like my friends Cassie and Jeremiah remind me of all the time:  God works.  God cares.  The Lord provides. 

It's My Blog

And I'll bitch if I want to...
My friend Cindy B. sent me a message on FB that she misses my blog.  Alright Cindy, here you go.  I haven't blogged in awhile mainly because I've been so damn busy.  And introspective.  And bitchy.  It's hard to post positivity when I'm not always feeling it.  Here is my list of why I'm so damn crabby.  Maybe if I put it out there, things will get better.  At least in my mind.

1.  Have  a broken, dangly tooth that is killing me.  I do not have dental insurance.  So I will continue to walk around with said broken, dangly tooth until tax time in January.  Maybe I'll lose some weight this way.

2.  I'm tired of walking around on this damn broken ankle.  I have neither the time nor the financial resources to go to a doctor about it.  It sucks not having health insurance.  I would love to have a sit down with people in Washington to discuss how much it sucks not having health insurance.  I get to choose between going to work sick or going to a doctor where I don't get paid for missing work.  So the paycheck wins out everytime.  My ankle hurts.

3.  I'm fat.

4.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of carrying this load by myself all the time.  My ex decided to be super dad for a few weeks when his hours changed at work.  I was thrilled that he was taking extra time with the girls.  The problem is it only lasted a few weeks and his true colors came shining through when he got pissed at Megan for quitting the swim team.  The extra time only works if it benefits HIM.  Not our children. 

5.  I'm feeling underappreciated at work.  I work really hard day in and day out.  I'm taking on more and more responsibility without an increase in pay.  I understand the reasoning behind what I make but I would really like to feel appreciated. 

6.  The apartment complex installed a spotlight on the building cattycorner from mine.  A ginormous spotlight.  So now the entire second floor of my townhome is illuminated at night.  We do not need nightlights anymore at night.  I'd like to think they installed it because they know I have to take a dog pee at 3 a.m. and now I have the sunlight spotlight to illuminate my way.  (Not sure why I threw this in there but hey, it's my blog.  I can bitch about anything if I want.)

7.  Last year some very wonderful women adopted my family for Christmas and provided my girls with a Christmas we will never forget.  For that I am unbelievably grateful.  But I knew the help would not be there this Christmas.  I didn't expect it.  The problem is that my girls got a Christmas that I could NEVER provide on my own.  And now that I am back on my own I'm stressed to the max trying to figure out how to buy some basic gifts for the girls.  I'll be late with rent.  And the car payment, and the car insurance.  Oh yeah and the cable/phone/internet.  And that's just to provide basic gifts.  I realize that Christmas is not about the gift receiving but let's face it.  Children come to expect things. 

I want to skip straight on to the end of January thank you very much.

I need a change in my life.  A positive change.  It started with the bible study with my neighbors.  I now find myself reading, and studying, the bible.  It feels amazing.  I can flip through it and find verses I am looking for.  I like that.  And I came to the realization, as stated in John, (fancy aren't I?) that if I believe in God I have to believe in Jesus. It's as simple as that.  All that wondering and doubt was erased in a single afternoon with the belief that Jesus is the son of God.  And my Savior.  So now I'm interested in attending the Seminary.  The trick is finding out how to fund that and make it possible.  I'm already so tapped out with my time and more importantly my energy that I'm worried that this might be one thing too many.  I just keep reminding myself that with God all things are possible.

I have had a bad case of baby fever.  I can't have any more children.  Kinda makes the baby fever a hard thing to live with.  So the girls and I did the next best thing:

Yep.  This is Petey Harrigan.  He is 1 and part Chihuahua.  The potty training is killing me.  But he has been soooo good for Megan.  I'll take what I can get.  The cats aren't too happy. 

We did have a very nice Thanksgiving with my neighbors at my house.  Finally a holiday I could get excited about.  The girls and I decorated the table:

Brigid has her follow-up MRI on Tuesday to make sure things are doing well with her Chiari after her brain surgery in March.  Keeping my fingers, toes, and whatever else crossed.  Caroline is having lots of Chiari headaches.  Lots.  Keeping everything crossed that she doesn't need surgery.

Abby still struggles in school.  I wish I could make it easy for her.  She deserves easy.  She's a great kid who gets easily stressed.  And she still processes things while she sings.  I love that girl.  <3

So that's it in a nutshell.  I think I might be feeling better. Just not the dangly tooth part. 

 I'm thinking a shoestring and a door might solve that problem.