This started at 3 a.m. this morning. I woke up with two bad dreams. It's amazing the clarity you get at 3 a.m. You wake up and it's just complete and utter clearness about what needs to be done and feelings you have. I had a new sense of calm and gratitude in my life. I finally feel like myself again.
Fast forward to this morning and driving to work. It was dark, cloudy, and rainy. Yet I still felt at peace. I make breakfast, deal with kids, the craziness of my work environment. I take my girls to school, come back to work, and continue on with the day. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere the sky clears and it is a beautiful, crisp, Fall morning. Amazing. Here's where I make my analogy. It was like my Faith, my Peace was coming out of a long, dark, rainy morning and had become a beautiful, crisp, Fall morning. I've weathered the storm, so to speak. (cliche I realize but it does fit.)
Fast forward to leaving for my boobie appointment. As I leave, I drop by the Carriage House because Cassie asked me to come. She handed me a beautiful pink Bible! And yes I will be using the word beautiful throught this post tonight. I love that word. It was a gift for my journey of Faith. She prayed with me and off I went. I had a marvelous discussion with God on the drive to the Brown Cancer Center. It went something like this:
"Ok God. Here it is. I need you to make sure this cyst is nothing. I can't be taken away from my girls. I am all they have. You know the situation they would be in without me. So you have to make sure I am ok."
Probably not the Holiest of prayers but c'mon. I wasn't raised to pray.
I get to the Cancer Center and continue reading this book Cassie gave me. It's called The Same Kind of Different as Me. I've mentioned it here before. It's the story of two men brought together by a woman of unbelievable Faith. Denver is a black man raised in modern day slavery as a sharecropper's kid in Louisiana. He was homeless for 30 years. Drugs, alcohol, crime, and jail. What a hard road to travel. Ron and his wife Deborah are wealthy people of Faith. Ron is an art dealer. His wife says that God has been talking to her and wants her to help the homeless. She convinces her husband to help. Her amazing journey as a Godly person is detailed throughout this book. She says that God told her husband to befriend Denver. They begin to forge an unlikely friendship.
So I'm reading the story in the lobby and begin the part about Deborah dying from cancer. I'm choking up in the lobby. I'm thinking oh please don't let anyone see me crying. They'll think I have cancer and that's why I'm upset. Stupid, I know. All through out my journey at the Cancer Center I'm reading the rather lengthy time this poor woman is dying and how her Faith and the Faith of those around her are being affirmed. I finally get to the part where she dies and is buried at the exact moment the doctor comes in and tells me everything is fine and I can come back in months to keep an eye on things.
Here's where I'm making the stretch: Her Faith journey comes to end as I find out I'm living. My worry has been put to death. My dark days of no Faith are over and buried in the ground. If you don't believe that God sends messages everywhere than this should prove He does. My whole Faith journey in the last few weeks can mirrored in this book!!
I scoffed (man I've been wanting to use that word here lately. As in, 'He scoffed at the notion that there were no chips to go with his fish.') at the idea of reading this book. I like Cassie. I respect her and her husband's Faith. But I did not want to read any sort of Christian literature. I thought it would be all Holy and crap. Seeing as how I do respect and have come to love this couple, I started reading the book. I'm glad I did.
Right before Deborah dies, Denver tells Ron that Earthly chains are holding Deborah here when all she wants to do is return home to God. Denver goes into her room by himself and tells Deborah (who is in a coma), "It's ok Miss Debbie to leave. I will continue your ministry in helping the homeless and helping others find their Faith." Not too long after, Deborah dies.
After the appointment, I drive to the Dirty Kroger. Man it is dirty too. On the way there I was mulling over what Denver said and was trying to figure out how I could help the homeless. As if I am even in a position to help anyone who is homeless. I'm like one paycheck away from being homeless myself. I kept thinking about why I don't have these spiritual epiphanies like othees seem to do. I'm mulling, thinking, talking out loud when it hits me like mack truck. (And what is a mack truck BTW?? Why isn't it a johnny truck, or alex truck, or carson truck?) I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE like the intensity of thousands suns in a thousand solar systems. I belive. And Denver kept his promise to Deborah. He had reached the Faithless in this world (ME) by telling his journey. Deborah had a direct line from God though her through Denver.
Isn't God amazing!!!!!
My Life in a Nut Shell
3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.