I'm finally getting to sleep in two days in a row. That happens maybe twice a year if I am lucky. Unfortunately sleeping in today meant 8 a.m. I guess since I get up at 5:30 every morning I should be glad I got to sleep almost 3 hours longer. It's just that I want to sleep in like the old days. You know, noon. While laying on the couch (because my bed is covered in laundry) I got to thinking. About God. I have these lovely neighbors. The husband is at the Baptist Seminary. The wife works with me at my job. They are beyond lovely. Their faith is so unbelievably strong. Just like Abigail and Caroline. Those two young ladies speak of God all the time. Caroline carries around a prayer book and reads it everyday. Abby sings about God.
I was raised in an atheist household. My Mom was very spiritual and spoke often about her beliefs. When she learned she was dying she told me she wasn't worried. She had seen Heaven in her dreams and knew she was heading to a better place to finally be with her parents, two brothers, and sister. My Dad, on the otherhand, used to point out all the inconsistencies about religion. He did not come to my baptism as an adult. He just thought it was foolish. When he learned that I was wanting to become Catholic he made quite a stink about it. He told me that it was a good thing Jesus wasn't hung. Otherwise we Catholics would be making the sign of the noose.
At the beginning (no not when God created the Earth), I started to go to church with my ex simply because I wanted to do what he was doing. I was always interested in going to church and now I had a reason. In this city you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Catholic so it just seemed like the faith to pick. Every September there is a high school football game between two rival Catholic schools, Trinity and St. X. There are over 40,000 fans that pack U of L's football stadium. If someone dropped a bomb on the stadium, most of the Catholics in Louisville would be wiped out. Every Sunday I would go with my ex to church. Every Sunday I would feel like I had come home. It just felt right. I went through the process of becoming Catholic. I am glad I did. I really am. I made a committment with my ex to raise our girls within the Catholic faith.
Now though I really feel like my faith is being tested. I still want to believe. I do. I have crosses and religious pictures and sayings all over my house. Even the quote, "For we walk by faith, not by sight" is up in my house. I have to read it constantly. Still my faith is tested. Everyone likes to say that God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.
So why does God give me so much to handle
Does He think I'm some kind of superwoman???
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God can not keep you.
That's what I'm holding on to. I have so much Grace I could be Grace Kelly. I keep trying to read the Bible. I have many lengthy conversations with God. I'm just in a struggle. That's part of why I left Facebook for awhile. My Grace, My Faith is being shaken and I don't like it. I'm not looking at other people's fortunes and being happy for them. Instead I'm becoming resentful. I'm losing my Grace. I don't like that.
I feel that God puts people in your life at the right times. Not by coincidence. Jeremiah and Cassie are such people. I'm going to look to them to see what such a strong Faith looks like. I embarrassingly confided to Jeremiah that I have a hard time reading the Bible because I don't understand it. And don't you know he explained how the Bible was laid out. In very simple terms for this lay person to understand.
I'm going to keep praying. And searching. And working. And trying not to question the inconsistencies just like my Dad did. And hoping that my will to believe, my desire to believe will eventually lead me to my Faith to believe.
My Life in a Nut Shell
3 surgeries for Endometriosis, countless medications, and lots of difficult years trying to conceive. We put the medical stuff on hold and decided to work on being parents instead. In July of 2000 we were blessed beyond all measure with a phone call announcing the birth of our daughter, Megan. Megan's birth mother had given birth the day before and was leaving the hospital. We had no warning that Megan was coming. At 4:29 in the afternoon we were a couple, at 4:30 we were parents. Deciding that we wanted a sibling for Megan, we looked into all our options. This time insurance covered IVF. One round and we were blessed with triplets, Abigail, Brigid, and Caroline. Did you know that there is a 70% chance of divorce in families of Higher Order Multiples? Almost two years after the triplets were born my ex-husband and I separated and eventually divorced. During that time both my Mother and Father passed away from cancer. In February of 2007 my sister came to live with us to help out. In December of 2008 she had to leave so now it is me on my own with the girls. In February 2010, Lisa passed away and finally found her own Peace.